It appears that since September I have been transported back to the 1980s and 1990s battling my way as if I have something to prove. It’s funny and sad when you realise what a fucking awful time you had at school as a child. How not one teacher liked you; that you were always outside the class; that you were that child that the teachers slagged off in their dingy staff room. It’s sad to realise that as a result of the times and them not knowing any better your emotional development is put back around 10 years and you basically spend your 20’s and 30’s on a path of self- destruction with a great big chip on your shoulder waving an invisible fuck you to the world. Sat around the little table with adult chairs (we usually sit on the tiny ones), I think it’s to make sure you don’t stay too long. I look at the three women. I give them a snippet of my own schooling experience; how in my job I also see people destroyed by the education system and just how much anxiety this causes me for Sophie and basically if I’m honestly trying to get them to see the reason I am making such a fuss when they don’t do things right. Explaining myself again. They look sympathetic at me and I imagine the staff room discussion after we have left. ‘well there you go, it’s all about mum and no wonder Sophie’s the way she is and perhaps even ‘are you sure she’s a therapist / social worker, she seems a bit fucked up to me. I can see on some tiny level that one of them gets it but their sympathetic look did nothing for my ego. I felt ashamed and exposed.
As the days followed I sat with that shame and I came to realise that like me there are so many people operating from their inner child and my fears were coming from her but also I had the knowledge and skills that have shown me time and again that the education system is not fit for purpose. I sat with the shame and chose not to torture myself for self-disclosing and realised they should feel lucky. They should feel lucky to hear my truth and to have the opportunity to understand the powers they have to make or break a child for years to come. If they are judging, they indeed prove my point. Only they will know. There is something quite liberating hearing about your child causing mayhem and understanding exactly what she’s going through and I feel grateful that I can prevent some of the things happening that happened to me in school. It reminds me that it’s no coincidence that I am hearing that my child is saying ‘no’, that she feels strong enough and wise enough to question why a teacher would make her wear a coat outside in the height of summer. But it also makes me shit scared all at the same time. I believe this is happening for a reason and that it is healing. It is healing my inner child. Had I still been drinking regularly this would have been so different. I would have missed the opportunity and would have been emotional; not sought help and had a big argument with the teachers and sent me under
It’s almost like, in the process of accepting Sophie for all of who she is, is also accepting me for all of who I am / was. Somehow understanding her behaviour and forgiving the behaviour that’s confusing to the grownups allows me to forgive myself and to realise it’s over. She / I am finally free. This day at the meeting when I looked around the table and saw the three women, all my equals, academically, physically, emotionally, I knew I could stop fighting. I will never stop fighting the bad parts of the system of course, it’s in me now, but now I will do it from a place of knowledge, skill, peace and above all a place of worthiness. Note to my younger self ‘ I love you Emma, and you should love yourself too, because believe it or not you go on to help so many people, you even save a few lives and make the world a better place
Lots of Love, Emma ❤️
Emma'''s Diary
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