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Dispatches from the Highlands
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Cannatown News
CANNGRESSIONAL HEARINGS 2022 INDEPTH REPORT JANUARY 6TH: THE CANNSURRECTION
EDITOR'S NOTE: Although controversial in nature, there is no way we could ignore the hearings currently underway at the Capitol. As journalists we are bound to report on the facts, and here we present them for our read- ers to draw their own conclusions. It was a dark day for democracy. e Can- natown Cannabis Cup, once thought to be a model of almost superior sportsmanship and cra, last year saw one of the ugliest incidents on Cannatown soil when one contender, upset when he didn’t win, began what the committee has called a “seven-part scheme”
called together an angry mob of very, very high people, and convinced them to storm the event arena. Feces were smeared on the walls. Respected judges were evacuated. e results were nothing short of deadly. e plan seemed simple enough: create a diversion long enough to declare the results and judging completely worthless and out-dated, and then call the whole thing o , meanwhile claiming victory as last year’s nalist. “Essentially, he didn’t care about winning the cup, he just wanted the trophy,” said event organizer Barney Mills.
Men, women, and a few bovines, gather near the Cannatown Cannabis Cup prior to storming it like a castle on January 6th
to defraud smakers of their choice in the Sativa category. From the participants to the ocials high- est on the list, grower Darnell Chump made a concerted e ort across the board to change the numbers, tallies, and legitimacy of the cup nalists such that he would overturn the People’s Choice. However, with nothing changed by the award ceremony, Chump
Now a full year and half later, the Canngressional committee investigating the January 6th asco is gearing up to hold ac- countable those very high bad actors. “I believed my own lies” Will M’Bar testi ed that Chump, super stoned o his rocker, didn't listen whatsoever when M'Bar explained how voting, and tally- ing, and generally, numbers worked.
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