Vol 9. Edition 4
News from CannaTown
Page 7
CANNASCOPES : Discover Your Fortune! Aries - Your A/C has been going on and o , on and o , over and over again, not because it's saving energy, but because it loathes you. Taurus - You nally accomplished every- thing on your bucket list--impressive--al- though now you’ve got about 40 years to kill. Gemini - It's not that people don't care about aliens holding us all hostage; they just don't care that it happened to you . Cancer - e neighbors weren't very keen about your house burning down, but only be- cause they missed out on the blunt that did it. Leo - You’re feeling the pain at the pump because you put it in your ear, stupid. Virgo - e weirdest thing about having to clean up all that dog hair in the bathtub, is that you don't own a dog--much less, a bathtub. What Came to Pass News in Brief Cannatown’s oating hot dog stand capsizes In a surprise that nobody saw coming, the large, weinermobile-shaped ski that sold hot dogs to Cannatown tourists, has capsized. Jumbo Kingdog, the imperial palace-shaped icon of the Hong Bong marina, had shuttered just weeks ago following a relish shortage. It was out at sea when operators say it was at- tacked by a horde of giant squids, struck hun- dreds of times by lightning, endured damage from a meteor shower, all before being pilfered by pirates and spontaneously combusting. e food cart was featured in everything from the evening news to the local classi eds, which made it all the more bittersweet when word came that it’d encountered such adverse conditions in otherwise calm waters. Owners Aberdank Dining Group said the sinking was tragic, upsetting to shareholders, and not in any way connected to the multi-million dollar insurance policy taken out just days prior.
Libra - e doctor isn't buying your whole sudden-weight-gain theory, because he can see the pumpkin stuck up your shirt. Scorpio - Aer your decades of service, it would've been nice to get more than a bag of Skittles, but hey, it did really hit the spot. Sagittarius - As you drive into town, you'll realize, you've been here before. And judging from the road signs, they haven't forgotten. Capricorn - e strategy is simple. Keep changing your legal name, so you can keep getting those rst-time visitor specials. Aquarius - Today, velcro will save your life. But don't ask the stars how ; it's pretty gross. Pisces - is week you will learn a valuable lesson: when you shit your pants in VR, you shit your pants in real life.
Time to paintball the rich tourists again, pE7
Stories in Today’s Other Sections
Man successfully strips all chocolate from 3 Musketeers nougat in historic feat........ E2 Opinion: I nally listened to a whole Police album and they’re f*cking terrible........... F6 Felonious school dropout chosen to lead free world............................. ........... ...... G13 Woke bloke chokes.................................. H1
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