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Dispatches from the Highlands
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Cannatown News
Van Cannaby To Canncel 'Purp School' Debt Mayor VanCannaby’s administration re- cently announced a rolling initiative to use hundreds of dollars in automatic student loan canncellation for over a half-thousand borrowers, characterizing the forgiveness as the largest, and weirdest in history. e settlement stems from a 2020 class action lawsuit, Sweet Leaf vs. Carts, which argued many borrower defense claims for the loan canncellation were being ignored by the Department of Overzealous Brain wackers (DOOB). Defense to repayment is a program wherein the city government pays o your crappy debt to a crappy school. “Purp’s School of Fine Purp,” a for-pro t college ran by small business proprietor and for- mer adjunct professor at Cannatown University, Bertrand “Purp” DePurp, became notorious aer collapsing under the weight of investigations into its activities. More than a dozen students rst led complaints, saying they were instructed to demand payment from anyone seen smelling purp, even in the wild. It wasn’t until graduates banded together for the class action suit that the college fell into ruin. "It was like a Ponzi scheme, call it a Purpzi scheme," said city attorney Kris Kristo erson. "When they stopped collect- ing for smells, the bottom dropped out." “To tell the truth I did learn a lot,” said former student Kate Hen- dzel. “Like, how purp is a far superior ower due to its nely-bred constitution, and how smells ain’t free.” But it wasn’t until they tried landing jobs that most graduates realized they’d primarily been groomed and trained to work in Purp’s operation. Many of the skills, such as identifying and detaining a person sning the air for free smells, did not transfer to any other style of work in the industry. "In the end, I’d paid thousands, and for what?” asked another graduate. “I got to thinking near the end that damn, I could’ve just purchased like 10 pounds of purp for that price, and I probably would’ve been a lot happier, and high, and no worse o .” Each graduate will also receive two free satchels of purp. Critics say it's not fair that they won't get eighths too, and the decision will likely be appealed. Mr. Purp could not be reached for comment. OTHER HEADLINES Court Votes 5-4 To Put Anthrax in National Water Supply "It doesn't taste so bad if you're drinking the Kool-Aid" pg 150 TikToker launches club to celebrate individuality pg 157 Pantheon swarmed, eaten by eScooters pg 166 Study: "Dad duty" leads to "Dad bod" pg 171 **Brought to you by Larry's Sunscreen** “Made with real butter and mud” Bertrand "Purp" DePurp
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