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Dispatches from the Highlands
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Cannatown News
CannaTown Obituaries September 2022
Home with a beauti- ful view can be yours e house of your dreams can be yours! With full views of the Highlands and nearby rustling streams, you're so close to the outdoors, you can taste it. Breathe the crisp mountain air and smake a freshly-rolled blunt in your own wildlife lover's paradise, with all the rac- coons and bugs and rabid bats; share your hot tub and porch with all sorts of critters tryin' to get their paws on all the popcorn! It's super cute, but buyer should be fully caught up on all immunizations. WERE YOUR HURT BY ALL THE POPCORN? We'll Make Sure You Get Totally Ripped! It's seriously not worth it to get compensated for all your hell with that popcorn, so why not get blazed? When you're in- jured, you can count on the lawn o ces of Bud, Goof & Roadie. Just come back behind Bud's house, through the fence and join us around the re--and wham, your worries can take a hike. Gauranteed! Got a pop- corn problem? F*ck that shit. Join us right now, down at Bud's, we're al- most always there and roasting brats and stu .
Elphonso Nugostein (67) - To say Elphie was into some crazy shit would be an understate- ment. Fires. Jungle parties. Ball lightning. Leisure Suits. Who would've thought corn would kill o such a legend? To his family, he was Elphonso, but to his friends and people of the community, he was Elphie the Flagrant, a mischievous prankster who o en pushed the limits beyond what people could handle. Nobody could put a pin on the purpose or reason behind his penchant for small crimes, other than the fattie blunts that always perched out of his le breast pocket. Elphie had no kin or close relatives but did owe about $4,500 in unpaid parking tickets. He also liked to dress up in huge mascot costumes and pretended to hide when he was at-out ripped on a good sativa. Elphie the Flagrant drew some pretty mind-altering murals in his day, but what he’ll be known for most, was that he always had time to eat ice cream and talk about the good old days, back when the band was together.
Fidget Quackenbush (45) will be known for her long term ability to not keep a job. From one to the next, she was a boat captain, sold chicken wings, sold shoes, washed cars, was a hair dresser, lm maker, and nally, balloon lady at the Corn Palace. She will be remembered for her shrill voice and huge red balloons, much bigger than anyone else’s red balloons, that everyone used to love. Fidget was born and raised in Fickleroots. She spent many years in the Highlands a er col- lege, studying native beans and a rare form of alpine succotash passed down from the natives. While the crosswinds of life would take her around the globe, she always spoke fondly of times spent preparing corn and beans around a hearth. Maybe deep down it was that love of succotash that led her to the Corn Palace, where she worked with glee until her nal day. And in a way, she died in a giant succotash explosion. At least, that’s the simplest way for her loving and mourning family to think of it. She'd be happy.
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