what I would call a preventative relationship to your teenager, a preventative relationship to your teenager.
That means this is a kid that's submissive, he's humble, he's listening and because of that, he listens to your guidance, he listens to your correction, he listens to your instruction, and he doesn't get himself in trouble because that conversation is able to prevent difficulty. Do you get that? And so you're able to prevent a lot of that mass that happens in the life of a teenager because he's learned to submit to you, he's learned the value of your wisdom, he's participating. I mean, that's a lovely relationship with a teenager. Second style of relationship is a corrective relationship. Now this is a child who's not quite in the good place that the preventive relationship child is, but he still responds to correction. He's messing up a little bit, he plays a little bit outside of the lines, he probably wants a little more authority than he should have, he's probably a little more independent than he should be, he doesn't recognize the temptations around him that he should; but when faced with issues, he thinks about it, he responds to your correction. So you're doing a lot of correcting, but it's producing some harvest. It's not as good as the first because you're having to deal with a mess of consequences, but you still have somebody who is responding to you and communicating to you. Here's the third one. The third one is a protective relationship. This is a teenager who's not playing, who's not listening, who doesn't respect your authority, who steps beyond the boundaries. He just blows beyond boundaries all the time or she blows beyond boundaries all the time. Now, because you're very concerned about the disaster of lifelong consequences, you have to ask the question, "What do I need to do to protect this rebellious teenager from himself, so that he doesn't make decisions or involve himself in actions that alter his life for the long run?" There's a further question. These are scary questions at this point because this is bad stuff. Am I able to provide those protections in the context of my home? Are we able to do that? If you're not, you may have to ask the question, "Does this child need to be in someplace other than our home?" Now look, that's why God designed the body of Christ. That's why God designed the state. The family doesn't live in isolation. We have other resources and sometimes parents are naive. They're letting things go totally out of control, it's very clear that they don't have enough resources in their home, but they're afraid of what it will mean to ask for help and so, this child just ends up making decisions that he carries with him. I mean, how sad it is for a 17-year-old or 18-year-old to get deeply addicted to a drug and they now carry that addiction into 20 and 30 years old. I've sat with people who wept at just how this addiction is an everyday struggle. They're now 35. It happened at 16. And I don't think that addiction is their parents' fault, but I always think where were their protectors? Where were their protectors? Sometimes it means making hard decisions, so you always have to be evaluating. Where are we? Are we in a preventative relationship? This is not a perfect kid, but he's responding to conversations, he responds to authority and we can prevent him going in directions he shouldn't go. Or is it a kid who's kind of messing up, but we can still talk to him and he still responds to correction. Or is it out of control, he's blowing through all the boundaries, he has no respect for authority, and we're watching him march to disaster? Don't stand there and let that happen. Get help. This child needs help. Don't give into powerlessness. Don't give into fatalism. Don't let his anger intimidate you into a corner. Get help and there'll be a day when that child will thank you for those protections. I was in a counseling situation with a mom who, that week, had been beaten up by her son. It was mortifying for her and it was very, very clear – she was a single mom – that she could not provide the protections this out of control angry kid needed.
And we found a wonderful Christian place for him to live that took all decisions out of his hands. He hated it at
Transcript: Session 9
GETTING TO THE HEART OF PARENTING
7 1
Made with FlippingBook - Online catalogs