Getting to the Heart of Parenting Study Guide

GETTING TO THE HEART OF PARENTING PAUL DAVID TRIPP

STUDY GUIDE TO ACCOMPANY VIDEO LESSONS Written by Gregory Berkhouse

ABOUT PAUL DAVID TRIPP Paul David Tripp is a pastor, author, and speaker. He wrote the bestselling daily devotional, New Morning Mercies , along with many other titles such as Suffering: Gospel Hope When Life Doesn't Make Sense . In 2006, he launched a not-for-profit organization, Paul Tripp Ministries, to produce and distribute free Bible teaching around the world that connects the transforming power of Jesus Christ to everyday life. Paul and his wife, Luella, have been married since 1971 and have four adult children.

PaulTripp.com /PDTripp @PaulTrippQuotes @PaulTripp /PaulDavidTripp

Teaching@PaulTripp.com 21 N. Main St., Suite 8, Coopersburg, PA 18036 (215) 338-4000 Permissions

You are permitted to print and/or electronically distribute this Study Guide provided that you do not charge for the material or alter the content in any way. You may download the video lessons for offline use, but please do not distribute the video in any way and rather link back to and use Paul Tripp Ministries' online video player. If you require exceptions, please email Teaching@PaulTripp.com. Scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. The ESV text may not be quoted in any publication made available to the public by a Creative Commons license. The ESV may not be translated in whole or in part into any other language.

Contents

How to Use This Series

SESSION 1 The Family as God’s Learning Community, Part I SESSION 2 The Family as God’s Learning Community, Part II

SESSION 3 Target the Heart, Part I SESSION 4 Target the Heart, Part II

SESSION 5 Applying Foundations to Children 0-5 Years, Part I SESSION 6 Applying Foundations to Children 0-5 Years, Part II SESSION 7 Applying Foundations to Children 6-12 Years, Part I SESSION 8 Applying Foundations to Children 6-12 Years, Part II SESSION 9 Applying Foundations to Children 13-18 Years, Part I SESSION 10 Applying Foundations to Children 13-18 Years, Part II

Outline

Transcript

How to Use This Series Thank you for choosing this 10-session video series by Paul Tripp Ministries! Our prayer is that this resource will be used by God to transform and strength your marriage. If you have any questions, please contact our team: Teaching@PaulTripp.com. What Did You Expect? can be used by individuals, couples, and groups. We recommend a minimum of 60 minutes for each session so you have enough time to watch the video teaching together and spend time discussing. Of course, there is flexibility based on your circumstances, but this curriculum has been written for you to simply follow the "order of service" outlined in the Study Guide. Each session would begin with Group Participation: • Begin with How Did It Go Last Week? (Which you can skip the first gathering). This is an opportunity to share successes and trial with the group, based on what was learned and applied from the previous session. • Then, someone (or all together) would read aloud the Bible verses found in And God Said... • Likewise, someone would then read aloud What is the Point? , identifying the main points in the video session about to come so participants are prepared for what Paul Tripp will be teaching. • Together, everyone would pray the Petition , preparing hearts to receive the Word. • You then would watch the video session, Hear the Word . Each video is approximately 25 minutes. Note : this conference was originally recorded live, as five, 50-minute sessions (two on a Friday night, three on a Saturday morning). For the purpose of this curriculum, they have been divided in half (now ten, 25-minute sessions) to allow for ample group discussion time within a 60-90 minute gathering. • After watching the video, spend the remaining time in your gathering using Let's Talk About That . An abundance of discussion questions have been provided, knowing that not all of them might be touched due to time restraints (or, if one or two particular questions take up the majority of the discussion!) • After the gathering concludes and before the next group session, For Personal Application material has been provided for individuals or couples to use as "homework" or for devotional and confessional life. • A note specifically about For More From Paul Tripp, Read: The 10 video lessons and this accompanying study guide have been designed specifically separate from Paul's book, Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments That Every Couple Needs to Make . (The book has its own study guide, which can be used if the video lessons are not implemented). The 10 video lessons do not track session- by-session and chapter-by-chapter with the book, so a participant does not have to read the book before or in between sessions. Plus, the suggested book chapters outlined in For More From Paul Tripp, Read: won't always match with the content of the video lesson. Reading the Marriage book on their own time is a separate, supplemental activity for those wanting to dig deeper. Why Transcripts? You will notice that full transcripts of Paul's 10 video lessons have been included at the end of this Study Guide. This is to allow for a quick keyword search or a full reading of the sessions for those who desire it. If you plan to print off a hard copy of this Study Guide to distribute to your group, you may want to only print off the Sessions and exclude the transcripts!

GETTING TO THE HEART OF PARENTING

Session 1 The Family as God’s Learning Community, Part I

FOR GROUP PARTICIPATION These elements of the study are best used with others in a group setting.

And God Said… Read aloud Deuteronomy 6:4-9 . What is the Point? Read these statements aloud and keep them in mind during the video. (5 minutes) • God has purposed the family to be His “learning community.” • In this community, parents must “inculturate” children in the things of God, or they will be inculturated by the surrounding society. • One aspect of the learning is theological : parents must inspire “divine awe” in children through looking at God’s creation. Petition Pray this together aloud. God our Father, Teacher of all truth, guide us as parents in teaching our children about you, accurately and intentionally, with patience, having first examined our own hearts, so that we may encourage them in their learning with the same grace by which you encourage us, through Christ our Savior. Amen. Hear the Word 1. Read aloud Deuteronomy 6:4-9 . Is this a suggestion or a command? Does the church have the primary responsibility for teaching our children about spiritual matters? Does the state or any private organization have the primary responsibility for educating our children in reading, writing and ‘rithmetic? What has God designed to serve as his primary “learning community,” and whom has he appointed as chief authority over this community? Does he require parents to serve as the direct educators in all matters? What is the parents’ God-ordained role in dealing with delegated authorities? Discuss your current involvement in the spiritual and academic education of your children. 2. Read aloud Judges 2:6-11 . The reason for the unbelief of the very first generation of Promised Land inhabitants “falls smack dab in the laps of” whom? What was the God-ordained Watch the video. (23 minutes) Let's Talk About That Discuss these questions. (30 minutes)

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responsibility that the guilty party had shirked? As a consequence, did the first generation “do what was neutral in the sight of the Lord”? If we parents do not teach our children the things of God, from whom will they learn? 3. The family as God’s learning community consists in three priorities, the first of which is theological . What does theology mean? “You can’t understand anything unless you begin with the existence, the character and the plan of God.” How is this claim affirmed by (read these verses aloud) Job 28:28 ; Proverbs 1:9, 9:10; Psalm 111:10 ? Why does all knowing begin with a knowledge of God? 4. Read aloud Psalms 8:1-4 , 19:1-6 ; Romans 1:18-20 . What awesome spectacle has God literally enveloped us within to show us his glory? Describe some specific, everyday events and objects in creation that parents can use to “give awe to our children” about the Creator. Why is instilling divine awe in our children crucial for their well-being? 5. “Parents must live in awe of God in order to pass on this awe to their children.” Would your children say that “my parents live in awe of God and talk about him all the time”? Identify some specific, practical steps that you can take as parents to invigorate your own awe. How can you ensure that your awe is authentic? 6. What is the chief resource that God has provided to help parents become better “family theologians,” to a level fitted to their station in life? What are other readily available resources that are helpful for this purpose? Remember that people are resources, too. How Did It Go Last Week? Share your successes and trials with the group. (10 minutes) In the coming sessions, questions and topics will be provided here for group discussion of your experiences in putting into practice what you learn each week.

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FOR PERSONAL APPLICATION These aspects of the study can be used in between group sessions on your own, either with your spouse or individually as part of your devotional and confession life.

Do Something During the week ahead, turn your learning into doing.

Memorize Deuteronomy 6:4-7 , and see that God commands parents to take theological responsibility for both themselves and their children. Then put this into action—see following. One of the most effective ways to cultivate your family as God’s learning community is by maintaining regular, evening family devotions . These can—and should—be very simple: read a Bible passage, briefly talk about it, sing a sweet hymn, say a short prayer. Make the events enjoyable—hold them in a cozy place, maybe include treats. Be consistent but not legalistic, perhaps shoot for three nights a week. If married, work together with your spouse to develop this habit for the rest of your parenting lives. Properly performed, this practice will yield a firm theological foundation and fond family ties. Each day this week, identify something different in creation to use to inspire divine awe in your children. Be both spontaneous—act when it happens—and intentional—plan to talk about it at dinner or during family devotions. Search Me, O God For introspection during the coming week. Do I enculturate my children with the things of God? Do I do so routinely, authentically and effectively? What specific steps can I take to address each of these priorities? Who in my life can help me (us) become better at this? Do I personally stand in awe of God? If not, is this a heart matter or a head matter—or both? How can I enlist prayer, participation in church, Bible reading, fellowship and theological enquiry to invigorate awe in both my heart and my head? Want to Know More? Read Deuteronomy 4-11 . Pull over and study each passage in which the Lord, through Moses, directs parents to teach their children. Learn all that you can from these commands, and identify specific

ways that you can put them into practice. For More From Paul Tripp: [Insert resource information]

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Session 2 The Family as God’s Learning Community, Part II

FOR GROUP PARTICIPATION These elements of the study are best used with others in a group setting.

And God Said… Read aloud Romans 13:8-10 . What is the Point? Read these statements aloud and keep them in mind during the video. (5 minutes) • Theological learning continued: parents must inspire “divine awe” in children through acquainting them with God’s Word. • S ociological learning: God designed children to live in loving relationships. • Redemptive learning: children need to see their sin and their need for a Savior. Petition Pray this together aloud. God of love, who created us to live in loving relationship with you, work in our hearts to make us models of your love as we teach our children to love you and their neighbors, and as we train them to acknowledge their sin and need for a Savior, who is Christ our Lord. Amen. Hear the Word 1. In the previous session we discussed God’s self-revelation in creation. But because “children will never by personal research and experience [of creation] know all they need to know about him,” what other vehicle of self-revelation has God provided? What is the relationship between the awe that we inspire in our children about God, and their view of his Word? What are some specific, practical ways we can cultivate awe of the Bible? 2. The family as God’s learning community is not only theological but is also sociological —God has designed us to live in loving relationships. Read aloud Matthew 22:34-40 . How do these two commandments affirm the Lord’s theological and social priorities for the family? Read v40 again— in Jesus’s view, how important are these two matters? Discuss ways of instilling the primacy of these matters in your children. 3. Read aloud Luke 10:29-37 . Describe the character and commitment of the love that Jesus commands us to give to “our neighbor.” Loving a stranger is one thing but, interestingly, it is “a Watch the video. (30 minutes) Let's Talk About That Discuss these questions. (30 minutes)

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great struggle to love the people you are supposed to love!”—our family members. Why is this difficult? Discuss some of your personal experiences with your children not loving one another. 4. What is the most authentic and effective means for teaching our children to love each other? (Hint: “You can’t teach love without loving.”) Do you always model a proper attitude to your children when assigning chores to them, correcting them, and having to provide for their unanticipated needs? Talk about why it is hard to do this consistently. 5. God’s learning community is also redemptive : we must cultivate in our children a solemn sense of their need of Christ’s forgiving and transforming grace. “If we hold up before our children the standard of love, they ought to begin to feel the weight of that standard because they don’t love God and their neighbor the way they should.” Why is it “a good thing” that children should feel bad about themselves in this way? 6. “I’m afraid we are all too skilled raising children in Christian homes who don’t feel like they need grace, who actually feel like they’re OK.” Which presents more of a problem in your household: unrighteousness, or self-righteousness? How can an unqualified “positive self-attitude” and “high self-esteem” be very harmful? Do you often talk to your children about the fact that they—like you—are sinners in desperate need of a Savior? And how do you clarify to them that we are saved by God’s grace through faith in Christ alone, and not by our own works? How Did It Go Last Week? Share your successes and trials with the group. (10 minutes) What specific steps did you take to establish your home as God’s learning community? Talk about your experience in beginning to implement evening family devotions. What means were particularly helpful in teaching your children theology, specifically toward cultivating divine awe through God’s creation?

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FOR PERSONAL APPLICATION These aspects of the study can be used in between group sessions on your own, either with your spouse or individually as part of your devotional and confession life.

Do Something During the week ahead, turn your learning into doing.

In your family devotions, cultivate awe of both God and his Word by reading Bible passages that proclaim his glorious power and might. Here are a few to get you started: Psalm 19 and 104 : parting the Red Sea, Exodus 14 ; defeating Baal’s prophets, 1 Kings 18 ; raising the dead, Matthew 9:18-26 ; calming the storm, Matthew 14:22-33 . Of course, there are countless others. In Matthew 22:36-40 , Jesus gives a succinct instruction on God-pleasing practice. Memorize the short passage and put it into action: each day this week, purposefully find a way to demonstrate to your children your humble love of God and your authentic love for people— without talking about it. If you are married, work together with your spouse to make this practice a habit. Search Me, O God For introspection during the coming week. Am I a proper example of self-sacrificing love for people to my children? And what is my attitude when I sacrifice for others—happy and humble, or complaining and advertising? What is my attitude when I serve my children—would Jesus want them to love each other as I love them? Do my children know that they are sinners in need of a Savior? Or do I overlook, excuse and justify their faults? Have I inadvertently taught them that they are OK and can blame others for their own sin? Or do I confront them, on necessary occasions, and guide them to Jesus to confess their sin and to receive his forgiveness and transforming grace? Want to Know More? Read and memorize Leviticus 19:18 . Because God’s moral law reflects his own character, which never changes, this Old-Testament command is affirmed by New Testament apostles—read Romans 13:8-10 , Galatians 5:13-15 , James 2:8-13 . Learn from these passages how Christians are to apply the commandment, and identify ways to put your learning into everyday practice. For More From Paul Tripp: [Insert resource information]

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Session 3 Target the Heart, Part I

FOR GROUP PARTICIPATION These elements of the study are best used with others in a group setting.

And God Said… Read aloud Luke 6:43-45 . What is the Point? Read these statements aloud and keep them in mind during the video (5 minutes) • In all of child training, “the heart is your target.” • Targeting behavior instead of the heart is like nailing good apples on a bad-apple tree. • Only as heart change takes place in a child will lasting behavior change take place. Petition Pray this together aloud. Almighty God, who are powerful enough to make even the human heart holy, guide us as parents in cooperating with your Spirit, diligently and consistently, in his work of conforming the hearts of our children to the image of Christ, who is their Savior and ours. Amen. Hear the Word 1. Read aloud Matthew 15:10-20 and Luke 6:43-45 . Sinful behavior, like bad fruit, is merely an effect —what is the cause ? Why is it ultimately fruitless to simply enforce good behavior in a child? Return to the Matthew passage and back up to v8; read it aloud—is God pleased with the outward behavior of lip service? What then should ultimately and always be the “target” of your child training? 2. Throughout the Bible, the “heart” is used as a metaphor for “the causal core of your personhood—the control system.” What does the heart cause and control? So, if a child’s heart is changed for the good, what will happen to their bad behavior? And most importantly, what will heart change produce in their relationship with the Lord? 3. Describe how the metaphor of “apple nailing” accurately illustrates our sadly frequent approach to child training. Share some episodes from your own experience. (It’s OK, we’ve all done it!) Why were you content at these times to nail a few apples on the outside of your child rather than to address what was inside their heart? What are some other common situational reasons for our tendency to settle for apple nailing? Identify some specific, practical steps you can take to effectively prevent such situations. Watch the video. (23 minutes) Let's Talk About That Discuss these questions. (35 minutes)

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4. “The three most frequently used apple-nailing strategies are threat, manipulation and guilt.” Keeping in mind that apple nailing is itself ineffective in changing a child’s heart, explain why each of these methods is ineffective in the long run even for changing behavior. 5. Note that each of these three bad strategies has a good twin: God himself warns sinners, rewards righteousness and convicts us of our guilt. Compare God’s goal in his good strategies to our human goal in our bad strategies. 6. “Lasting change in a human being always travels through the pathway of the direction system— the heart.” Discuss why heart change yields lasting behavioral change. Talk about changes in your own heart that occurred early in life, that have changed your behavior still to this day. What brought the changes about, and how might your own experiences suggest ways for you to induce similar heart change in your children? How Did It Go Last Week? Share your successes and trials with the group. (10 minutes) Did your children enjoy hearing about their awesome God in the stories you read from the Bible? What practical opportunities did you find to actively model humble love of God and authentic love for people to your children—without telling them what you were doing? Did you find opportunities to point out to your children their own sin, and did you lead them to Jesus for confession, forgiveness and transforming grace? Talk about your experiences.

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FOR PERSONAL APPLICATION These aspects of the study can be used in between group sessions on your own, either with your spouse or individually as part of your devotional and confession life.

Do Something During the week ahead, turn your learning into doing.

Briefly describe, in writing, a few recent parenting episodes in which you properly addressed your child’s heart. What elements are common to these episodes? Based on these “wins,” build a short protocol to use for purposeful heart training going forward. Write a similar list of episodes in which you settled for nailing apples. What elements are common to these episodes? Build a short protocol for preventing these sorts of situations, and for dealing with them effectively when they unexpectedly arise. This may involve postponing the training until a more settled moment. By the way, which list is longer? Prayerfully identify, with your mate if you are married, a key heart issue that your child is particularly beset with at present. Plan an intentional heart-training session to deal with the issue, using your new protocol. Make the event pleasant—maybe over donuts, or at a special venue. Tell the child about the date in advance, so that they will not feel tricked by the outing. Search Me, O God For introspection during the coming week. Is apple nailing my habit? Why is it my habit—am I too busy to parent properly? Resentful of my children? Focused on my own priorities? What practical steps can I take to fix my own heart, priorities and schedule so that I serve and train my children properly? Whom do I know that does a good job of training their children’s hearts? What can I learn by watching them, and would they be open to talking with me about how they do it? Want to Know More? For a full-orbed picture of Jesus’s teaching on the heart as source of human behavior, read and study the complete passages excerpted above: Matthew 15:1-20 and Luke 6:43-45 , and add Matthew 12:33-37 , Mark 7:1-23 , and the OT passage cited by Jesus, Isaiah 29:11-14 . For More From Paul Tripp: [Insert resource information]

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Session 4 Target the Heart, Part II

FOR GROUP PARTICIPATION These elements of the study are best used with others in a group setting.

And God Said… Read aloud Luke 6:39-42 . What is the Point? Read these statements aloud and keep them in mind during the video (5 minutes) • Lasting change in a child’s heart begins with their acknowledgement and confession of sin. • Children, like adults, are often blind to their sin and must be assisted in seeing it. • To deal with a child’s sin, parents must begin by addressing the sin in their own hearts. Petition Pray this together aloud. God our Father, the Great Physician who gives sight to the spiritually blind, open our eyes to our impatience and anger when we discipline our children, and change us rather to lovingly discipline, and to graciously help them see their sin, so that we all may confess to the one who freed us from sin, Jesus our Savior. Amen. Hear the Word 1. “ Confession is owning personal responsibility for my sinful words and behavior without excuse or blaming others.” Read aloud Psalm 32:1-5 and 1 John 1:8-10 . What is the clear consequence of denying or “keeping silent” about our sin? On the other hand, what are the two eternal benefits of confessing our sin to the Lord? Why do our children tend to choose the former action? Why then do we tend to choose the former action? How can assessing our own reluctance to confess help us deal gently with our children toward their acknowledgement and confession? 2. In addition to denying sin, children—and adults—suffer from spiritual blindness and often cannot see their sin, and they cannot confess what they don’t see. “One of your main goals is to be an instrument of seeing—you must help your children to see themselves accurately.” Is lecturing an effective strategy for achieving this goal? Do you respond well to lecturing? What are some specific, practical ways to break yourself of the habit of lecturing your children? Briefly discuss more effective options for opening their eyes (and hearts) to their sin. Watch the video. (30 minutes) Let's Talk About That Discuss these questions. (30 minutes)

3. Toward this goal, Tripp suggests an ordered series of five questions. Why is the order important,

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especially regarding the second and third: “What were you thinking and feeling as it was happening?” and “What did you do in response?” How will this “thought order” help prevent children from becoming apple-nailers for their own tree? 4. The final question, “What was the result?” helps children learn to think of their actions in terms of consequences, or “harvest.” Read aloud Galations 6:7-9 and Romans 6:20-23 , noting that both passages enlist the metaphor of harvesting fruit. How is it helpful to look ahead and see the fruit that will result from your actions? Can you build an easy-to-remember protocol to train your children to stop and think about their harvest before planting their seeds? 5. Once children see and confess their sin, they “will want to live in a different way.” Read aloud 1 Thessalonians 1:8-10 , focusing on the word “turned.” Is repentance merely a feeling of sorrow, or is it an action ? What are some practical ways to teach your children this critical distinction? 6. Faith completes the heart-turn that began with confession. Whereas repentance is a turning away from something (sin), faith is a turning toward —toward whom? Read aloud Hebrews 4:14-16 . Talk about how this sweet passage encourages you and your children in your respective turns of faith. 7. “If you are ever going to get at the hearts of your children, you have to start with your own heart.” Read aloud Luke 6:41-42 . (By the way, this is one of several instances in which our Lord used humor to make his point—capture a mental image of this situation.) In the parable, what do the splinter and log represent? And who has the bigger piece of wood stuck in his eye—the patient or the doctor? What will be the outcome of this surgery? The problem with “blind spots” is that we are blind to them—that’s why they’re called blind spots. What are your blind spots? (Hint: you don’t know.) In addition to God’s Word and prayer, other people can be very helpful here —because they clearly see faults that you are blind to! Are you humble enough to ask others to point out your sinful blind spots? How Did It Go Last Week? Share your successes and trials with the group. (10 minutes) Were you able to do some intentional heart-training with your children? Was the experience calmer than apple-nailing? How receptive were your children? What steps can you take to make this sort of intentional training an ongoing practice, with a flexible schedule but consistent effort? Lasting change, after all, is not an event but a process.

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FOR PERSONAL APPLICATION These aspects of the study can be used in between group sessions on your own, either with your spouse or individually as part of your devotional and confession life.

Do Something During the week ahead, turn your learning into doing.

At least once this coming week, when dealing with a child’s sinful behavior, talk them through the five questions, calmly and patiently. Don’t lecture, but make clear that their heart produced their actions. Then lead them to Jesus for confession, forgiveness and heart-transforming grace. Memorize Psalm 139:23-24 . Make a habit of praying this daily. During family devotions, teach it to your children, and explain that we want God to know the secrets of our hearts because He will help us to change and thereby prevent bad behavior and its harvest. Ask your spouse or a trusted friend to point out logs in your own eyes that may be hindering your parenting. Don’t argue or justify, just listen—and take it to heart. Search Me, O God For introspection during the coming week. Am I in the habit of discipling my children impatiently and in anger? And when I chastise them, do I stop with the correction, or do I properly follow through by leading them to Jesus for his grace in confession and change? Do I hug them when I’m done? Do I accept correction from others? Would those people say that I accept correction? Want to Know More? Psalm 139:23-24, recommended above, is a sweet and wonderfully humble request for the Lord to see the heart-roots of all our sinful thoughts, words and deeds. There is nothing more freeing than having everything “out on the table” before the Lord. Acquaint yourself with more of the passages that describe God as the Searcher of human hearts, for example 1 Samuel 16:6-7 ; 1 Chronicles 28:9 ; Proverbs 20:27 ; Jeremiah 17:9-10 ; Romans 8:26-27 ; and Revelation 2:23 —they occur throughout Scripture. Let this theology have its corrective and encouraging effect. For More From Paul Tripp: [Insert resource information]

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Session 5 Applying Foundations to Children 0-5 Years, Part I

FOR GROUP PARTICIPATION These elements of the study are best used with others in a group setting.

And God Said… Read aloud Colossians 3:18-4:1 . What is the Point? Read these statements aloud and keep them in mind during the video (5 minutes) • Children must understand that they were born into a world of authority. • As God’s delegated rulers, parents must reflect his loving authority in ruling their children. • Life goes well for children who live in submission to God’s authority. Petition Pray this together aloud. G od our Father, Ruler of all things, give us as your vice regents to rule our children with your benevolence and justice, and to train their hearts, as also our own, to live in humble submission and obedience to the Lord and Master of us all, our Savior Jesus Christ. Amen. Hear the Word 1. “You must tell the child in a hundred different ways that they have been born into a world of authority.” Remember that the family is God’s learning community . Unless and until a child is instructed otherwise, whom do they naturally place on the throne of their lives? Keeping in mind that your actions speak more loudly than your words, what is the most effective way to teach children about submission to God’s authority? Talk about some practical ways to demonstrate your own submission to him. 2. Read aloud Exodus 20:12 and Ephesians 6:1-4 . Children are commanded to obey and honor their parents. “Your children must not attach the level of their respect to the level of your perfection,” but rather to what? Nevertheless, parents bear the awesome responsibility of serving as proper examples to their children of their perfect Father in heaven. This is a fearful proposition: we must reflect the heavenly Father to our children in all ways—not only by how we discipline them, but by our behavior, words, manner of dress, relationships, work ethic, habits and pastimes. Talk about Watch the video. (35 minutes) Let's Talk About That Discuss these questions. (30 minutes)

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some of the areas in your own life where you have particular difficulty in modeling God as Father. 3. Read aloud Romans 13:1-2 . Name some of the delegated authorities that God has placed in your own life. Do you humbly submit to these people as the Lord’s appointed rulers? Or do you grumble and complain about them—in front of your children? Beware: you are training your children to respond to your own and God’s authority the same way you respond to the authorities over you. Other than parents, who are some of the authorities in your children’s lives at this age, and how can you practically train your kids to submit to them? 4. “Obedience means willing submission, without challenge and without excuse.” Remember that in training your children, the heart is your target . What are some common responses and excuses that show clearly your child is not submitting to your rule in their heart, even if they obey the letter of command? Discuss some specific, practical ways to address the root problem instead of just nailing apples on them. 5. “Submission to God’s authority is not bondage, it is actually freedom.” Explain the concept of “God’s circle of safety” and how it affirms this statement. 6. Read aloud (again) Exodus 20:12 and Ephesians 6:1-4 . Explain the specific circle of safety prescribed for children and parents in this passage, and the benefits that each receives from living within that circle. How can you explain to your children, without sounding like a tyrant, that your authority as parents comes from God, and that they are accordingly bound to submit to your authority? How practically can you encourage them with God’s promise attached to this commandment? Suggest ways to demonstrate the principle by rewarding their good behavior yourselves. 7. “Have these battles when your children are little—you do not want to have authority battles with a seventeen-year-old.” Let this sink in, and then discuss the very serious consequences of teenage rebellion compared to toddler rebellion. Are you having the good battles when they are little? How Did It Go Last Week? Share your successes and trials with the group. (10 minutes) Were you able to have some five-question conversations with your children? How did they respond? Did you memorize Psalms 139:23-24 and teach it to your children? Talk about your experiences. Whom did you invite to critique your parenting, and how did you respond to them?

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FOR PERSONAL APPLICATION These aspects of the study can be used in between group sessions on your own, either with your spouse or individually as part of your devotional and confession life. Do Something During the week ahead, turn your learning into doing. God has summarized his rules for holy living in the Ten Commandments, Exodus 20:1-17 . Demonstrate for your children your submission to God by memorizing them and then—through the grace of Christ alone—by living them. During family devotions, explain to your children that they were born into a world of God’s authority. Base the discussion on Scripture and keep it brief, but plan it carefully in advance. On a separate evening, explain that your parental authority is delegated by God, and that they obey God by obeying you. Acknowledge your imperfection and, if applicable, apologize for mistakes in recent instances. Search Me, O God For introspection during the coming week. Is my ruling of my children a beautiful picture of God’s authority? What particularly are my bad parenting habits, and what practical steps can I take to correct and prevent them? Do I need to apologize to my children for certain instances and shortcomings? (If you are married:) How can my spouse and I work together to ensure that our parental ruling is performed according to the same Christ-like principles? Want to Know More? As in every moral matter, Christ is our perfect example and guide. Regarding authority, Christ himself is submitted to the Father and acts in perfect obedience to him. Read these passages (and look for others) to learn about Christ’s response to authority as a model for your own: Matthew 8:5-10 ; John 8:25-30, 14:27-31 (there are many other such passages in this Gospel); Philippians 2:1-11; Hebrews 5:7-10. For More From Paul Tripp: [Insert resource information]

Session 5

GETTING TO THE HEART OF PARENTING

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Session 6 Applying Foundations to Children 0-5 Years, Part II

FOR GROUP PARTICIPATION These elements of the study are best used with others in a group setting.

And God Said… Read aloud Proverbs 23:13-16 . What is the Point?

Read these statements aloud and keep them in mind during the video (5 minutes) • Reiterate: Life goes well for children who live in submission to God’s authority. • The goal of discipline is to rescue and restore your children to submission to God’s authority. • God has established the rod, properly administered, as his primary tool of parental discipline. Petition Pray this together aloud. H eavenly Father, who perfectly discipline those whom you love, guide us in disciplining our children, timely and properly, never in anger or impatience, and ever mindful that your purpose is to move their hearts toward humble and grateful submission to Jesus Christ, their Savior and ours. Amen. Hear the Word 1. “When a child submits to authority, he is living according to God’s design and good things happen.” Scripture describes the “good things that happen” as God’s rewards for righteousness. Read these verses aloud: Proverbs 11:18, 22:4 ; Matthew 6:3-4,6,17-18 ; Hebrews 11:6 (this affirmation occurs throughout Scripture). Explain some specific, practical ways in which parents can, without manipulation, serve as God’s giving hands in this matter. Often, children are kind and do good things without having been prompted—why might such actions warrant a greater reward? What will such a reward encourage? 2. While God benevolently rewards good behavior, he also benevolently disciplines bad behavior. Read aloud Hebrews 12:5-11 . Biblical writers often use repetition to emphasize their main points— how many times in this passage does the author use a form of the word discipline ? What do you glean from this about the importance God attaches to his discipline of his people? Can we then claim to be godly parents if we do not faithfully and properly discipline our children? 3. In this passage, what is affirmed as the goal of God’s discipline? (Stated two ways, in vv.10-11 ; and Watch the video. (20 minutes) Let's Talk About That Discuss these questions. (30 minutes)

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GETTING TO THE HEART OF PARENTING

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note yet another agricultural metaphor.) Explain how this goal is the adult version of the “rescue and restoration mission to return your child back to God’s circle of safety.” 4. What are some differences, in both intent and method, between restorative and merely punitive discipline? Explain why disciplining in anger and impatience always tends to be punitive. What are some necessary and effective steps to prevent slipping into punitive action when restorative is needed? 5. “When the child acts in foolishness, God attaches a painful physical consequence, because a child understands that.” Must parental discipline be in some way painful? Re-read the final verse in the Hebrews passage above. Is God’s discipline painful? If our discipline does not cause some degree of pain, is it godly? 6. Read aloud the following Proverbs: 13:24, 22:15, 23:13-14, 29:15 . Does this reading support the statement that “the rod is the primary tool God has established for parental discipline”? Is shifting, arbitrary contemporary culture—whether outside or inside the church—a God-ordained standard of faith and practice? Does God command you to spank your children? Do you spank your children? 7. Spanking must only be administered “when there has been a direct, clear rebellion to authority. Don’t discipline a child for being a child.” Remembering that the heart is your target , discuss the attitudes and resulting actions that clearly constitute rebellion. Talk about the sometime difficulty you have had in distinguishing rebellion from merely child folly. 8. For each of these steps in a proper spanking, identify and explain the root importance: Get hold of your own heart; take the child to a private place; interview your child and explain that rebellion is what has brought this on; use your hand or a small paddle; hug and pray to Jesus at the close. 9. How often will this protocol be convenient ? But is it nevertheless necessary ? How Did It Go Last Week? Share your successes and trials with the group. (10 minutes) Were you able to spot responses and excuses that showed your child was not submitting to your rule in their heart? How did you deal with these instances? How is your memorization of the Ten Commandments proceeding? How has this caused you to think more about them as you go through your day? Discuss difficulties in keeping regular family devotions.

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GETTING TO THE HEART OF PARENTING

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FOR PERSONAL APPLICATION These aspects of the study can be used in between group sessions on your own, either with your spouse or individually as part of your devotional and confession life.

Do Something During the week ahead, turn your learning into doing.

Spend a few family devotions talking to your children about discipline, both God’s discipline of all his people—including you—and his instruction for parents to discipline their children. Use Hebrews 12:3- 11 for the former, and all the Proverbs passages above for the latter. Remembering that the family is God’s learning community, this teaching will help your children understand your responsibility to God on their behalf. Search Me, O God For introspection during the coming week. Do I discipline my children properly and effectively, as instructed in Scripture? If not, why not? Is it because I want my children to like me more than I want them to have godly character? Is it that I just don’t want to be bothered with the process, or I am too busy to devote the necessary time to it? Or is it because I am content to let others correct my children for me—my spouse, teachers, other parents? Am I intimidated by my children? Who in my life can encourage me and help me on this matter? Want to Know More? Studying the character of God’s discipline of his people is wonderfully helpful toward informing our discipline of our children. Read and study, for example, Job 36:5-15 ; Psalm 30:all , 103:8-14 , 119:65- 72 ; Lamentations 3:19-33 ; John 15:1-8 ; include the passage we studied today, Herews 12:3-11 , and its OT root, Proverbs 3:11-12 . If you continue looking for other scriptural examples, be sure to distinguish the Lord’s fatherly displeasure in chastising his people, as in these verses, from his wrath poured out on intractable rebels, as in Psalm 5:4-6 and 2 Thessalonians 1:5-10 . For More From Paul Tripp: [Insert resource information]

Session 6

GETTING TO THE HEART OF PARENTING

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Session 7 Applying Foundations to Children 6-12 Years, Part I

FOR GROUP PARTICIPATION These elements of the study are best used with others in a group setting.

And God Said… Read aloud 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 . What is the Point?

Read these statements aloud and keep them in mind during the video (5 minutes) • The central focus during the middle years is the development of character. • The essential character issue is “God-awareness.” • Human beings chafe at God-awareness because we are, in our sinful nature, selfish idolators. Petition Pray this together aloud. H eavenly Father, who have rightful claim to the thrones of every human heart, grant us the humility to relinquish rule over our lives and to live joyfully at the foot of your throne, and to train our children, by our words and conduct, to live likewise, by the grace of Jesus Christ our Savior. Amen. Hear the Word 1. “Not every wrong is a direct rebellion to authority—some wrongs are the fruit of a lack of character.” Identify some such actions common among six- to twelve-year-olds, specifically in social situations interacting with siblings or other children. Also describe misbehaviors common in their interaction with adults. Have you as a parent “grown comfortable with the fundamental lack of character in our kids” in these situations? How will ignoring these “character opportunities” reinforce children’s behavior? 2. As we learned previously, trying to correct children quickly in such situations yields only superficial results. Why is there no character development in the apple-nailing solutions of making the child apologize, share the toys and shake the adult’s hand? Do you have a tendency to employ apple-nailing correction? What are some specific reasons why you take this ineffective approach? Watch the video. (25 minutes) Let's Talk About That Discuss these questions. (30 minutes)

3. Recalling that the family is God’s learning community, parents must cultivate good character in

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their children by teaching them “God-awareness: the understanding that God defines what is right and good and wise, not me.” Read aloud Proverbs 26:1-11 , noting in each verse how hopeless is the plight of a fool ( v.2 is a bit tangential). Now read v.12 : who is more hopeless than even a fool? Discuss examples, from everyday life, history and personal experience, of the disastrous results of being wise in one’s eyes, that you can use to heart-train your child in its avoidance. 4. The great foe of God-awareness is idolatry: “The child that you gave birth to is an idolator, like the rest of us. Sin by its very nature is idolatrous and puts other things in God’s place.” In the culture of the Old Testament, idols were primarily fabricated, physical objects used as proxies in worship. But read aloud Colossians 3:5-6 and 1 Peter 4:1-5 . What do these New Testament writers identify as immaterial, internal manifestations of idolatry? In your own experience, what other immaterial forms does idolatry assume that are not nearly so conspicuous as these? 5. What is “the most seductive idol of all idols”—and the ultimate heart problem with every form of rebellion? As we learned in a previous session, unless children are trained to do otherwise, whom will they always tend to insert into God’s position? Who often sits on your own throne? Read aloud 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 . What did Christ’s mission accomplish regarding the idolatry of self? 6. In dealing with the selfishness of, for example, siblings refusing to share, why is asking the question, “Who had it first?” entirely beside the point? What better question should you ask to help your children get to the heart of the matter? Can this same question be asked in basically every selfish situation? How Did It Go Last Week? Share your successes and trials with the group. (10 minutes) What were some of the questions from your children in response to your teaching them about discipline? Were there some questions you were not able to answer? What are some key learnings from your further study about God’s discipline of his people?

Session 7

GETTING TO THE HEART OF PARENTING

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FOR PERSONAL APPLICATION These aspects of the study can be used in between group sessions on your own, either with your spouse or individually as part of your devotional and confession life.

Do Something During the week ahead, turn your learning into doing.

During family devotions, talk to your children about your own struggle with selfishness, and admit that you need the grace of Jesus as much as they do. Give them instances of idolatry in your own life—the immaterial kind that is not evil in itself but is made so by overemphasis or priority. Tell them what you are doing to subdue idolatry. Ask them, but do not force them, to talk about their own

struggle with selfishness. Search Me, O God For introspection during the coming week.

Do I model God-awareness for my children, in both my talk and my walk? Do I make it clear to them, through my work ethic, language, friendships and church participation, that I submit to what God says is right and good and wise? Are there idols that I serve, openly in front of my children? Is that action undermining my otherwise good words and practices? In times of my children’s selfishness, do I sometimes use superficial correction? Am I too busy or too bothered? What selfish habits are they particularly prone to, that I can and should proactively address before the next conflict? Want to Know More? For a theological tour de force of how Christ has destroyed the sinful control that our old selfish self had over us, thereby freeing us to live holy lives, read and study Romans 6:1-14 . Note how, as always in Scripture, the imperative is rooted in the indicative . That is, Scripture first explains who God is and what he has done—the indicative—and then commands his people to act on that basis—the imperative. In this passage, the indicative extends through v.11 , and the imperative from that point through the conclusion. See how the apostle here gives the backstory to what he only summarized in the passage we read above, 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 . For More From Paul Tripp: [Insert resource information]

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GETTING TO THE HEART OF PARENTING

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