Jennifer Bridgman
Jennifer Bridgman
Inbox Wisdom
Dear Susan, Last night before bed, I was explaining to my husband the many reasons I am now convinced that I do not actually have a “permanent disease”—some all- consuming, irreversible condition that will haunt and define me for the rest of my life. For a long time—even in early sobriety—I clung to this private notion that there was something inherently unique about me. A condition that could explain all the destruction. A flaw, if you will. I looked around at my unmanageable life, and it was easy to admit I was powerless over that daily bottle or two of wine. For many years, my addiction was very quiet and controlled. No one knew. My drinking was so private and taboo that I didn’t even discuss it with myself. But by the end, everyone from my husband to my mailman to my cats could assure you that the booze was running the show. When I finally got sober nearly two years ago, I was desperate for guidance, hope, and answers. I was ready to identify with whatever label others slapped on me and willing to recite any words that had helped them get and stay sober. I was the newbie on this path. I longed for footsteps to follow and someone to hand me the map. While it didn’t feel good to believe that I was inherently different or had some lifelong disease, very few things about early sobriety felt good. So I picked up my heavy pack and went on my not- so-merry, wary, and vigilant way.
But the beauty of true emotional sobriety is that with each passing month, we grow enlightened and empowered. We begin to view things with a clear mind and clear eyes. We not only learn to listen and learn from others, but we trust out own thoughts. I needed others to light the way for me, but I’ve learned that I carry my own torch. What I’ve come to see through extensive reading about the science of addiction is that my body and brain are quite normal, actually. What is unique about me is not that I have some incurable disease, but that I was able to overcome a powerful addiction when so many others remain trapped.
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