Vol 5. Edition 5
News from CannaTown
Page 9
that the recent UFOs are probes from a mothership somewhere in our solar system. “I should probably come clean and let you know that, when I came up with that theory, I’d been smaking a large wad of Cat Piss wax and my neighbor was skeet-shooting the lids of his garbage cans as I was passing out in the garden,” Seanpatrick explained. Interest in his oce grew when a spy balloon--now known to be Ernie Mills on a lawn chair--was shot down over Cannatown airspace but went largely undetected due to “an oce luncheon.” Is there technology out there that could be used against us? a canngresswoman asked the director. “Ab- solutely,” he replied. “Was it Ernie? No, God rest his soul.” Here are some other incidents brought by whistleblowers that Seanpatrick sought to address: “Whistlegate” - In the morning of Nan- tucket 11th, the quiet community of Creeper Knoll awoke at 4:20 in the morning to the sound of angry, otherworldly whistling. “It was a violent thrashing, like a machine being executed,” one neighbor quipped on national television. But the military unit concluded there was no such alien attack or frequencies recorded. When they looked further, it appeared that a well-known character Wacks McTom had accidentally dropped an operational circular saw down his own chimney as he worked on his roof. “We told him he was a stupid bastard,” Seanpatrick reported. " e Egg of Earwax" - Citizens of Earwax called authorities through the night to report a giant oating egg in the vicinity. At rst, claims were dismissed, because they coincided with a Vanilla Kush festival and subsequent reports of elves and uorescent cats. But several people lmed the egg knocking down festival lights as it ew side- ways through the downtown and toward the mall. Seanpatrick says the agency cracked
the egg case the next day when they found it in a dumpster behind a locally-recognized college party house. One resident, Patricia Cake, admitted to turning her drone into the egg-shaped projectile using foam and duct tape. And all for a Tik Tok video. " e Flying Man of Constantine" - e infamous Flying Man of Constantine Hill turned out to be Je on his jet pack. “We’ve told him to tone it down some, and in particular, to stop ying over Betty Marcus at her bus stop around 6pm because it freaks out that sweet old lady.” Je was just trying out his KMart jet pack and was responsible for many complaints during the rst half of last year. But that had abruptly ended aer a tragic incident, Seanpatrick explained, and o ered a moment of silence. " e Shiny Orbs of Wonder" - One of the most memorable recent interactions with the public and unidenti ed objects came during the Summer Solstice parade at dusk in lower Reeferbrook, where thousands witnessed oating antigravitational orbs of varying sizes. Conspiracy theorists took it to mean the end of the world, while others tried to seize upon the zeitgeist of the mo- ment with book and movie deals. “We actu- ally found out the orbs belong to the army base nearby,” Seanpatrick explained. “Not that anyone communicates stu like that around here. Turns out they were not only Army orbs, but they’ve had them for years .” When pressed for examples of measures taken to protect Cannatown against pos- sible attacks, none could be given, although Senior Lieutenant Kathy Howard did handily point out that its main defense system--citywide dabbing of large reserves of wax--would suce for almost any inva- sion, as it has in the past. “Do you remember when Stem Gulch tried to steal our prize Haze from our town square? ey ended up high as kites and splurging at the gi shop," she recalled. "Now that’s repower.”
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