“If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody would convict you.” This marathon showcase of horror contributed to that year’s government shutdown while also answering the eternal question: What are kids even more scared of than the Babadook at bedtime? In 2018, Senators voted 97-1 to advance the debate over whether illegal immigrants should have a path to U.S. citizenship. The lone vote against it? You know it, people. Uh, Cruz, you’re Canadian-born with a Cuban father... Pot, meet kettle ... Very few displays of constantly reversing, toxic public affection reveal politics’ vapidity more than Cruz’s on-again, off-again media courtship with Donald Trump. Before 2016, Cruz dubbed Trump a pathological liar, utterly amoral, and a next-level narcissist. He even joked on Jimmy Kimmel about running Trump over with his car. But when Trump landed in the White House, few in the GOP were as avidly, consistently Trumpian as Cruz – with Cruz even leading the charge in the U.S. Senate against certifying President-elect Joe Biden’s election win – that is, until a few weeks ago. In a recent interview with a Houston TV news outlet, Ted claimed that “ [Trump’s] language and rhetoric often go too far ... I disagree with it, and I have disagreed with [his] language for the last for years. ” The best (worst) part about Cruz is how everything he says means nothing, even more so than the average politician.
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CANCUN CRUZ Months ago, Cruz had a hardline regarding politicians and travel during the pandemic: don’t you dare . He hassled Austin Mayor Steve Adler and Democrats for traveling as the pandemic surged, calling them all hypocrites. But Ted’s real issue is that they weren’t hypocritical enough . In February, when his Texas constituents were abandoned without power, water, or heat for days on end as their state power grid buckled under the weight of a winter storm, Ted thought, what would Honest Abe do? That’s right, fly to Mexico. So he hopped on the first flight to Cancun with his family, because from poolside at the Ritz-Carlton, he could better assess the severity of the Texas Blackouts, ingeniously figuring out how to winterize his state’s power plants while cozying up with an umbrellaed, frosted mojito and hate-scrolling AOC’s Twitter feed. Once photos of him at the airport leaked, though, he immediately boomeranged back to the states and backpedaled the narrative, scapegoating both his wife and tween daughters as the masterminds of the getaway. They don’t teach you that move in A**hole School – you have to learn that one on the streets . Because when you have a state facing twin crises, with citizens in dire need of humanitarian aid, you can always rest assured that Ted Cruz won’t be there for you.
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