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Dispatches from the Highlands
$4.20 Cents
Cannatown News
AintMilk ain't a hit, they ain't gonna drink it
While not all of Aint- Co’s "non" products have been popular, all of them have been truly unpopular. But a new report shows that consum- ers have narrowed out one particularly horrible item, the dairly substitute, AintMilk, which has sold, by some counts, no more than 420 cartons. Some grocery store opera- tors say are sitting on full warehouses of
Insane Machine Sells F***ing Cans of Coke at F***ing Push of Button Holy shit folks, it's like a fridge of soda pop right at your nger tips. First they put Coca-Cola in a can--a can! Like freakin' soup. And then they made it crystal-clear for a while! Now hang onto your butts! Newly installed at the library parking garage -- it's a machine that spits out the cans when you put in some coins! Gee Wilik- ers! You have to see it to believe this shit, yo!
unsold, sour and cur- dling non-milk from the company, now resulting in a massive lawsuit against the corporation. AintCo was the darling of Wax Street not even ve years ago when lab and plant-based options were rolling out nation- wide. Building on the semi- opping success of AintBeef and AintNutsNHoney, AintCo’s release of AintMilk just over a year ago was seen as the next pivotal tier for the company, given how o en people were ordering milk at bars and res- taurants. ey began with 24oz bags of the viscous white uid and also provided a chocolate option. Within a month the trend was reaching not only hip establishments and co-ops, but even organic industrial manu- facturers making homemade cleaning solutions and dips. en people actually tried to drink it. eir reactions, o en
on social media, spread much faster than any advertisement. And consumers were not the only ones complaining. Former employees and current Aint- Sta (who wished to remain anonymous) spoke of their work with disgust. "Every day I woke up to squeeze thick beige paste from huge udders hanging from the ceiling," said an employee who quit recently. "Sometimes it would make me hurl right into the AintMilkBucket. And they would just tell me, keep going, yer puke AintMilk!” " e worst thing," added the employee, "is that I never knew what was in those udders or where the paste was coming from, or what it was made of. Nobody who worked there could tell me, not because it was a secret -- but ultimately be- cause they didn't know either."
Progress, Inc Successfully Reinvents Wheel
In their weekly inves- tor newsletter, Steem- boat Springs' manu- facturer Progress, Inc. announced that they've reinvented the wheel, drawing praise and criti- cism, as well as a lawsuit from the estate of Grog, a neanderthal rst cred- ited with ling a patent for the round entity, one which would take nearly 17,000 years to process. e new wheel "is just like the old one, but can also go in reverse."
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