Vol 4. Edition 6
News from CannaTown
Page 13
Cannatown News
Photos: (Le ) Work- ers at AintMilk squeeze barely- viscous beige paste from gi- ant udders into bags that will be sold at grocery stores. (Right) A local elephant swims in the Canna- town swimming hole with his human friends. A new ban will prohibit any pachyderms from joining in the waters fol- lowing a mas- sive poop inci- dent last month.
Elephants banned from swimming hole aer huge poo incident Following a terrible incident at the Canna- town swimming hole, involving what could only be described as “a massive amount of fecal matter,” elephants and their closest ge- netic relatives will not be allowed to use the beach and swimming area going forward. According to those on the scene, a group swimmers encountered a “gross spectacle” in the mid-a ernoon, partially washed ashore, partially still submerged, and unidenti able through the murky waters. By the end of the day, the explosively large fecal emission had aected not only adults, but completely cov- ered some children, to an alarming degree. And it’s not the rst time it’s happened. In fact, the swimming hole is world-renowned, tragically, for its widespread, recurring and devastating elephant doodies in the water. “I’m not sure why in nearly a half century we’ve been unable to come up with sensible elephant swimming hole rules,” said resident Reto O’Bork. “It’s incredibly dicult to feel safe and clean when people just let elephants do whatever they want, especially in what should be considered a safe, public space.” “C’mon, we live in a society here,” O’Bork added. Every time elephant swimming laws have come up, groups of menacing elephants have shown up and intimidated those voting. In one court case they were also able to overturn the voting results simply by crowding a fo- rum and blasting their trunks at full volume. e incident became national news, simply because those present stood strong and chose not to address the elephants in the room. “And the elephants apparently took it very personally and have been shitting in the wa- ter ever since,” said city park manager Cheri Poss. " is shouldn't happen every weekend." "Obviously not all elephants are bad, nor do we want all of them to go away," said Rever- end John Worlock. "But can we not all agree that they shouldn't be shitting on everyone in public? If they can't be trusted to follow the rules that everyone else follows, then why would they expect us to let them hang out with us anyway? Is it not madness? It's poo !" e ban goes into eect immediately but nobody expects even one elephant to comply.
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