What Did You Expect Study Guide

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT? PAUL DAVID TRIPP

STUDY GUIDE TO ACCOMPANY VIDEO LESSONS Written by Gregory Berkhouse

ABOUT PAUL DAVID TRIPP Paul David Tripp is a pastor, author, and speaker. He wrote the bestselling daily devotional, New Morning Mercies , and Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make (previously titled, What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage ). His not-for-profit organization, Paul Tripp Ministries, creates and distributes free gospel resources that are connecting the transforming power of Jesus Christ to everyday life. Paul and his wife, Luella, have been married since 1971 and have four adult children.

PaulTripp.com /PDTripp @PaulTrippQuotes @PaulTripp /PaulDavidTripp

Teaching@PaulTripp.com 21 N. Main St., Suite 8, Coopersburg, PA 18036 (215) 338-4000 Permissions

You are permitted to print and/or electronically distribute this Study Guide provided that you do not charge for the material or alter the content in any way. You may download the video lessons for offline use, but please do not distribute the video in any way and rather link back to and use Paul Tripp Ministries' online video player. If you require exceptions, please email Teaching@PaulTripp.com. Scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. The ESV text may not be quoted in any publication made available to the public by a Creative Commons license. The ESV may not be translated in whole or in part into any other language.

Contents

How to Use This Series

SESSION 1 The Big Importance of Little Moments in Marriage

SESSION 2 A Matter of the Heart

SESSION 3 The Sin of Self

SESSION 4 I Have Met the Enemy, and It is I

SESSION 5 Where Your Treasure Is…

SESSION 6 A Better Kingdom for Your Marriage SESSION 7 A Crucial Little Thing Called Love

SESSION 8 The Fruit of the Spirit

SESSION 9 A Marriage Rooted in Worship

SESSION 10 Intimacy in Marriage

Outline

Transcript

How to Use This Series Thank you for choosing this 10-session video series by Paul Tripp Ministries! Our prayer is that this resource will be used by God to transform and strengthen your marriage. If you have any questions, please contact our team: Teaching@PaulTripp.com. What Did You Expect? can be used by individuals, couples, and groups. We recommend a minimum of 60 minutes for each session so you have enough time to watch the video teaching together and spend time discussing. Of course, there is flexibility based on your circumstances, but this curriculum has been written for you to simply follow the "order of service" outlined in the Study Guide. Each session would begin with Group Participation: • Begin with How Did It Go Last Week? (Which you can skip the first gathering) This is an opportunity to share successes and challenges with the group, based on what was learned and applied from the previous session. • Then, someone (or all together) will read aloud the Bible verses found in And God Said... • Likewise, someone may then read aloud What is the Point? , identifying the main points in the video session about to come so participants are prepared for what Paul Tripp will be teaching. • Together, everyone may pray the Petition , preparing hearts to receive the Word. • Watch the video session, Hear the Word . Outlines for each session may be found at prior to the transcripts at the end of this Study Guide to follow along. Each video is approximately 25 minutes. Note : this conference was originally recorded live, as five, 50-minute sessions (two on a Friday night, three on a Saturday morning). For the purpose of this curriculum, they have been divided in half (now ten, 25-minute sessions) to allow for ample group discussion time within a 60-90 minute gathering. • After watching the video, spend the remaining time in your gathering using Let's Talk About That . Many discussion questions have been provided, knowing that not all of them might be touched due to time restraints (or, if one or two particular questions take up the majority of the discussion!). • After the gathering concludes and before the next group session, For Personal Application material has been provided for individuals or couples to use as "homework" or part of your devotional practices. • A note specifically about For More From Paul Tripp, Read : section of this study guide. These 10 video lessons and this accompanying study guide are separate from Paul's book, Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments That Every Couple Needs to Make (previously titled, What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage ). These 10 video lessons are not designed to track session- by-session or chapter-by-chapter with the book, and the suggestions in the For More From Paul Tripp, Read : section of this study guide won't always match with the content of the video lesson. Reading Paul's Marriage book can be a supplemental activity for those wanting to dig deeper into the subject, but is not required to get the most out of this video study. Why Transcripts? You will notice that full transcripts of Paul's three video lessons have been included at the end of this Study Guide. This is to allow for a quick keyword search or a full reading of the sessions for those who desire it. If you plan to print off a hard copy of this Study Guide to distribute to your group, you may want to only print off the Sessions and exclude the transcripts!

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

Session 1 The Big Importance of Little Moments in Marriage

FOR GROUP PARTICIPATION These elements of the study are best used with others in a group setting.

How Did It Go Last Week? Share your successes and trials with the group. (10 minutes) In the coming sessions, questions and topics will be provided here for group discussion of your experiences in putting into practice what you learned each week. And God Said… Read these statements aloud and keep them in mind during the video. (5 minutes) • The “little moments” in your marriage are the most important moments. • A marriage of unity, understanding, and love is not rooted in romance, but in worship. • Your words and behavior are caused by what’s inside of you, not what’s outside of you. Petition Pray this together aloud. Read aloud Luke 6:43-45 . What is the Point? Patient Father, who are at work not only in our years but in our moments, open our hearts in those small moments when we would meanly treat our spouse, and give us instead to be kind, and to put the other first, which we are able to do through Christ, who is their Savior and ours. Amen. Hear the Word Watch the video. (24 minutes) Let's Talk About That Discuss these questions. (30 minutes) 1. “The character of a marriage isn’t set in three or four big moments; the character of a marriage is set in ten-thousand little moments.” Think of just the previous week: what were some little-moment words or actions that your spouse said or did, by which you knew their love for you? What were some little-moment words or actions that you said or did, by which you may have discouraged or hurt your spouse? Discuss how years of such little moments sum to a greater significance in your marriage than a few big moments (such as your proposal night, or your wedding day). 2. Discuss some specific, practical ways to ensure that Jesus is Lord over you in your little moments.

Session 1

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

3. Read aloud 2 Corinthians 6:14-15 . If you did a word search for Scripture passages using the words marriage , husband and wife , would you find this passage? Nevertheless, what is the obvious and needful application of Paul’s warning in regard to choosing a marriage partner? Read aloud 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 . Would this passage be identified by your word search? But what is its obvious and helpful application to marriage? What do you glean about the potential ineffectiveness of simple word searches for investigating biblical topics? What are some Bible passages that you are already familiar with, which may provide helpful marriage counsel, but that you have not previously considered in that context because they do not explicitly mention marriage? 4. “Romance is never the cause of a good marriage; romance is the result of a good marriage.” Read aloud Song of Solomon 1:2-4 (this is the wife speaking) and 1:8-10 (the husband)—it’s OK, it’s in the Bible. How does Scripture here implicitly affirm that romance is a good thing? As years go by, how has sweet romance become more of a result in your marriage than a cause ? What are some examples in your own marriage of little moments that have kindled the romantic flame? But do you always feel romantically inclined toward your spouse? Why would it be unwise to build your marriage on romantic feelings alone? 5. “You are a worshiper, you worship your way through every moment of every day of your life.” We humans are always serving something, always pursuing something. Discuss some of the gods that, specifically in your own life, compete with Jesus for the throne of your heart. How do your failed little moments serve to illuminate for you what those gods are? (Note: Tripp will return to the topic of worship as the root of marriage in the final sessions of this series.) 6. Read aloud Luke 6:43-45 . “Your words and behavior are more caused by what’s inside of you than what’s outside of you.” Do mini crises insert curse words into our mouths? Do inconveniences force our bodies into convulsions? Discuss what this means: “The heart is the causal core of your personhood.” So, what is the real cause of our cursing and convulsing? External coping mechanisms can be very helpful for those who have a proclivity to act badly in certain situations, but why are they ultimately ineffective in solving the real problems? Next week we will learn how to address—and how not to address—the core source of marital issues.

Session 1

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

FOR PERSONAL APPLICATION These aspects of the study can be used in between group sessions on your own, either with your spouse or individually as part of your devotional and confession life.

Do Something During the week ahead, turn your learning into doing.

Rehearse your significant little moments within just the past week or two, both successes and failures. For the successes, determine why you were able to behave lovingly—what was in your heart at the time? Identify some specific, practical things you can do to nurture that heart, and set yourself reminders on a card or on your phone to help you stay prepared for little moments. For the failures, identify the god that you were worshiping at the time. Is there a common god—your agenda, personal time, pet peeve? Identify some specific, practical steps you can take to dethrone the little gods in your heart. As above, set yourself reminders on a card or on your phone. Search Me, O God For introspection during the coming week. Have I behaved badly in little moments—or big moments—for which I need to apologize to my spouse? Have I been thankless for all the things that they do “in the background” to keep our family running well? How can I thank them now, in a sincere and meaningful way? What are my heart issues that cause me routinely to be rude or oblivious? What are some Scripture passages I can call to mind to help me cooperate with the Spirit’s sanctifying work? Want to Know More? The Song of Solomon (aka Song of Songs, and Canticles in the Anglican lectionary) is a biblical enigma. While calling it an allegory of Christ and his Church would be easy, it would not be correct— both Christian and Jewish literary scholars now regard it as love poetry, pure if not simple. And as God in his providence has caused it to be included in the canon, therefore it ought to be read. Many Christians have given this book a once-over at some point but have not often returned to it. But as our topic in this series is God’s Word about marriage, now is the perfect time to read it. And enjoy it— it’s in the Bible! For More from Paul Tripp, Read: The following chapters from Paul's book are not required reading for this video study, and the content in the book might not always match directly with the video lessons. The Marriage book can be used as separate, supplemental reading for individuals wanting to dig deeper on their own outside of this group study. Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make , Chapters 1 and 2

Session 1

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

Session 2 A Matter of the Heart

FOR GROUP PARTICIPATION These elements of the study are best used with others in a group setting.

How Did It Go Last Week? Share your successes and trials with the group. (10 minutes)

Talk briefly about the method(s) you used to remind yourself to behave properly in your marital “little moments.” Did you have any notable successes? Failures? Are you going to leave the reminders in place? And God Said… Read aloud Luke 6:43-45 . What is the Point? Read these statements aloud and keep them in mind during the video. (5 minutes) • All marriage problems are heart problems. • Lasting change in your marriage will always travel through the pathway of the heart. • You are your biggest marriage problem. Petition Pray this together aloud. Father Almighty, whose great power extends from the highest heavens even to the human heart, give us to see the sinful selfishness in our own hearts, and to submit to your Spirit at work in our hearts to transform us into loving marriage partners, after the model of Jesus, the perfect Lover of souls. Amen. Hear the Word 1. Read aloud Luke 6:43-45 , which we read last week, and also the related passage, Matthew 15:10-20 . Sinful behavior, like bad fruit, is merely an effect —what is the cause ? Better, where is the source of the problem? As we discussed last week, why do behavioral coping mechanisms, while helpful and often necessary, fail ultimately to fix our bad-fruit problems? 2. In dealing with marriage issues, Tripp likens addressing only outward behavior to nailing good apples on a bad-apple tree. Read aloud Matthew 23:27-28 . Describe the specifics of how whitewashing is the same as apple-nailing. Describe a few instances in which you have settled for apple-nailing in dealing with marriage issues. And what heart problems have you whitewashed with merely outward good behavior? Watch the video. (26 minutes) Let's Talk About That Discuss these questions. (30 minutes)

Session 2

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

3. Tripp lists the three most frequently used apple-nailing strategies as threat , manipulation and guilt . Give examples of some threats you have used in the past, even though you may not have realized they were “threats” at the time. 4. Manipulation is a bad habit that inhabits pretty much every human heart. How do you manipulate your spouse with your words? And how do you sometimes use body language rather than words? Again, you may not even realize that your behavior is manipulative, but hopefully this discussion will help you see your tactics more clearly—as your spouse sees them. 5. How have you tried to guilt-trip your loved one? 6. Note that each of these three bad strategies has a good twin: God himself warns sinners, rewards righteousness and convicts us of our guilt. Compare God’s goal in his good strategies to our human goal in our bad strategies. 7. “Lasting change in your marriage will always travel through the pathway of the heart.” Why does heart change yield lasting change? How does heart change affect outward behavior? Unlike apples nailed on trees, how does this form of outward behavior glorify God and bless your spouse? 8. “You are your biggest marriage problem.” This may seem like a stretch. The statement does not imply that your partner has no problems. But consider whether some (most?) of their problems may be provoked by your own behavior, whether things that you do or fail to do. Discuss this possibility.

Session 2

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

FOR PERSONAL APPLICATION These aspects of the study can be used in between group sessions on your own, either with your spouse or individually as part of your devotional and confession life.

Do Something During the week ahead, turn your learning into doing.

As Adam’s progeny, we all have logs in our eyes ( Matthew 7:3-5 ) and are unable to see how we threaten, manipulate and guilt-trip our spouse—but our spouse can see it clearly enough (!). This week, schedule some intentional time with your loved one, and ask them to point out to you the behavior(s) by which you routinely discourage or hurt them. Don’t argue with them about their responses, just thank them. Write down the issues they described, and begin searching the Scriptures for wisdom and instruction on dealing with your issues. This is a tough prescription, but remember that you love this person and want what is best for them—and your being a humble, open and penitent partner will go a long way toward achieving that goal. Search Me, O God For introspection during the coming week. Either before or after you listen to your loved one, read and memorize Psalm 139:23-24 . Ask the Lord himself to illuminate the “grievous ways” by which you routinely discourage your spouse. Consider specific , practical ways by which you can begin to effectively deal with these bad habits. Want to Know More? As “all marriage problems are heart problems,” it is helpful to survey the Scriptures for information about the heart. And God’s Word is rife with them, because “the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart”—see, there’s one! ( 1 Samuel 16:7 ) Whereas a simple word search will not work well for identifying passages helpful for marriage, the exercise will succeed in identifying “heart” passages (and cross-references are helpful, too). Look at a few each day (be sure to read them in context) during your personal devotions, and see if this practice won’t help you begin seeing your marriage issues as the Lord sees them. Here are just a few good ones to prime the pump: • Genesis 6:5

• 2 Chronicles 16:9 • Psalm 15:1-3 • Proverbs 4:20-23

• Jeremiah 17:9 • Matthew 5:27-28 • Romans 8:26-27

• Deuteronomy 6:5 • 1 Chronicles 28:9

For More from Paul Tripp, Read: Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make, Chapters 3 and 4

Session 2

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

Session 3 The Sin of Self

FOR GROUP PARTICIPATION These elements of the study are best used with others in a group setting.

How Did It Go Last Week? Share your successes and trials with the group. (10 minutes) Was your conversation with your spouse fruitful? Tough? Revealing? What specific, practical steps are you taking to deal with the issues they pointed out? And God Said… Read aloud 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 . What is the Point? Read these statements aloud and keep them in mind during the video. (5 minutes) • Sin causes us to shrink our lives down to the size of our lives. • Life will never be about you, because you’ve been born into a world that, by its very nature, is a celebration of Another. • Sin’s selfishness is petty. Petition Pray this together aloud. Lord Christ, who counted equality with God not a thing to be clung to but emptied yourself to be a servant to sinful humanity, give us also to deny ourselves and serve our marriage partner, to whom you have joined us and whom you love, for your glory through their good. Amen. Hear the Word 1. Read aloud 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 . Now read v15 again, slowly. Note the phrase, “might no longer live for themselves…” What does this verse imply about the priority in every human heart before he or she comes to Christ? Those of you who were not converted at an early age: think back on your “BC” life, and talk briefly about your mindset in those days. What were your life goals then? Whose best interest would those goals serve? Now consider the time since your conversion to Christ. Did your priority of self get immediately righted at that time, and is your mindset now completely about loving God and loving others? 2. Now to you who were converted early in life: do you always live solely for the glory of God through the good of his people? Watch the video. (28 minutes) Let's Talk About That Discuss these questions. (30 minutes)

Session 3

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

3. Read aloud Romans 6:1-11 . By God’s grace in our conversion, we are spiritually—that is, very really —united with Christ in his death and resurrection. What does Paul say is the reason for our being crucified with Christ regarding sin’s power over us? (See vv4,6 .) And what is the result of our dying with Christ? (See v7,11 .) 4. Now read aloud the next verses in the passage, vv12-14 . If we have been freed from sin’s control, why would Paul need to exhort us as he does here? Sin no longer has power over us, but are we perfectly holy so as to be immune to its temptation ? Read aloud Romans 6:20-23 , 2 Corinthians 3:16-18 , Philippians 2:12-13 . These passages describe the Spirit’s progressive work of sanctification —to “sanctify” is to make holy. What does the fact that sanctification is not an event (as is conversion) but a process , tell us about lingering selfishness in our hearts? Will you need to deal with damaging selfishness in the future of your marriage? 5. “Sin causes us to shrink our lives down to the size of our lives.” Discuss briefly what Tripp means when he says this. Describe some specific recent instances when you have discouraged or hurt your spouse by your shrunken life. 6. “Sin will cause you to dehumanize that other person in your marriage.” Talk about specific situations in which you have, inadvertently or intentionally, looked upon and used your partner to achieve your own fulfillment. What are some specific, practical ways by which you can develop the habit of looking upon and using yourself to achieve your spouse’s success and fulfillment? 7. “Life will never be about you because you’ve been born into a world that, by its very nature, is a celebration of Another.” Ptolemy said the earth is the center of the universe ( geocentric ), and Copernicus said the sun is the center ( heliocentric ). But what—or Who —is really the center of the universe? (Hint: theocentric .) Who is the center of your universe? Who should be the center? Who should be the center of your marriage ? And who should be in the orbit closest that center—you, or your spouse? Which orbit should you occupy? How did you score on this theo-astronomy pop quiz? 8. Now compete in a brief contest: which of you has nitpicked your loved one over the pettiest matter? Feel free to enter more than one candidate. What are some specific, practical ways that you can remind yourself of the damage you do by such pettiness, toward the goal of breaking yourself of the habit?

Session 3

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

FOR PERSONAL APPLICATION These aspects of the study can be used in between group sessions on your own, either with your spouse or individually as part of your devotional and confession life.

Do Something During the week ahead, turn your learning into doing.

Philippians 2:3-8 provides a succinct prescription for ending selfishness—the perfect example of Jesus. Memorize this passage as it appears in the English Standard Version. Then, replace the two occurrences of the word “others” with your spouse’s name, and change the plural of “yourselves” to the singular. Recite the verse to yourself both ways several times a day, and as you learn to be prompted by it, put it into practice in the little moments of your marriage. Search Me, O God For introspection during the coming week. In which circumstances do I behave most selfishly toward my loved one? What is the god that I am trying to serve in those moments? Am I generally selfish? How would I feel if she/he treated me that way? Do I need to apologize and ask for forgiveness? And how, specifically and practically, can I break my habit of selfishness—memorize Scripture passages? Counsel with a friend or pastor? Is there someone in my life that does a really good job of living selflessly? How can I model my life after their example? Want to Know More? The passage from Paul’s letter to the Romans that we studied in this session, 6:1-14 , is very helpful in understanding how Christ freed us from slavery to sin, and how then we are to live out that knowledge. In the same letter, 8:1-17 , Paul gives a different perspective and instruction on essentially the same topic. Combined, the two passages provide a full-orbed theology and practice for rejecting sinful temptation and living a Christ-like life. Study and reflect on the two passages together, and commit them both to memory for on-the-fly reference. For More From Paul Tripp, Read: Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make, Chapters 5 and 6

Session 3

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

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Session 4 I Have Met the Enemy, and It Is I

FOR GROUP PARTICIPATION These elements of the study are best used with others in a group setting.

How Did It Go Last Week? Share your successes and trials with the group. (10 minutes)

Recite in unison your memory verse, Philippians 2:3-8 —no peeking! Talk about specific little-moment instances when that verse came to mind and prompted you to act toward your loved one otherwise than you selfishly would have. Discuss practical ways to keep this momentum going. And God Said… Read aloud 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 . What is the Point? Read these statements aloud and keep them in mind during the video. (5 minutes) • Jesus came to rescue you from you . • If we confess our sins to God, he will forgive us and cleanse us . Petition Pray this together aloud. Lord Jesus, very God and supremely humble, forgive us for our pride in refusing to be corrected by you and by others, and give us to desire so greatly to please you and to bless our spouse, that we humbly, willingly, and gratefully acknowledge our sin and offenses, and repent of them, and strive to be like you, our Savior. Amen. Hear the Word 1. Read aloud 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 . Last week we focused on the first part of v15, the “negative” aspect of Christ’s rescue—that we might no longer live for ourselves. But focus now on the “positive” instruction at the conclusion of the verse: that we can live for Christ, who for our sake died and was raised. For explicit instruction on how positively to live for Christ, read aloud Philippians 2:3-8 —your memory verse from last week. How, specifically and practically , can you count your spouse as better than yourself, and look to their interests above your own? 2. In your experience, is it easier to positively do something than negatively not to do something? Last week we considered Romans 6:12-14 —read aloud just vv12-13 . What are Paul’s negative commands ( 12-13a )? What are his positive commands ( 13b )? While they are all commands to be obeyed, which focus might be most effective for you in rooting your selfishness from your marriage? Watch the video. (24 minutes) Let's Talk About That Discuss these questions. (30 minutes)

Session 4

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

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3. Read aloud again the Philippians passage, but this time vv5-9 . Christians recognize in John 13:1- 5,12 Jesus’s metaphorical enactment of what Paul describes—read this passage aloud. Do you ever wash your loved one’s feet, not literally but by humbling yourself in service or deference to them? Do you lay aside your priorities to support and enable them to succeed in their desires and priorities? What are some specific, practical ways in which you can serve your spouse physically, financially and logistically, by denying your own physical, financial and logistical pursuits? (And by the way, while a literal foot-washing might be strange, I will bet that a foot massage will be wonderfully appreciated!) 4. All these questions point to the fact that, as Tripp said in the previous session, “ You are your biggest marriage problem.” Discuss, then, what he means by “Jesus came to rescue you from you .” Sadly, as we are all Adam’s progeny, when confronted with our sin we tend to respond as Adam responded—read aloud Genesis 3:11-12 . And Eve’s response was also a dodge—read aloud v13 . Now read aloud 1 John 1:8 . Do you deny your sin when the Holy Spirit convicts you? Do you deny your selfishness when your spouse confronts you? Or worse, do you turn it around and blame them for your selfish behavior? When you refuse to accept correction, whom—and whom only —are you deceiving? Can your marriage ever improve if you refuse to be corrected? 5. Now read aloud the next verse, v9 . When we acknowledge our guilt and confess our sin before the Lord, whether it is he or our spouse that has brought it up, what is the blessed two-fold result? Regarding the second result, discuss why Tripp says “there’s not a hopeless marriage in the room.” What practical steps can you take to begin accepting correction from your spouse? 6. Change will take time and effort, and it will be painful. But in the Spirit’s work of sanctification, the time, effort and pain are his tools for achieving his ends. Sanctification will surely achieve its goal in glory, but this present life is more about the journey than the destination . Discuss what that means.

Session 4

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

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FOR PERSONAL APPLICATION These aspects of the study can be used in between group sessions on your own, either with your spouse or individually as part of your devotional and confession life.

Do Something During the week ahead, turn your learning into doing.

Follow Tripp’s suggestion that, after the video, married couples go home, sit down, and apologize to one another for selfish behavior. This needs to be sincere and authentic, with reference to specific habits and actual instances. But it does not need to be drawn out —you cannot heal your marriage in one night, but you can initiate a line of communication for apology and begin to make it a habit. Just confess one or two things, acknowledge your forgiveness of the other, and resolve to change. Then order pizza and turn on the television. Search Me, O God For introspection during the coming week. Recall specific instances in which you were confronted about your sin and selfish behavior by other people, particularly by your spouse. Did you humbly accept their correction and acknowledge your faults? Did you thank them for caring enough and for being vulnerable enough to confront you? Did you resolve, before them and the Lord, to repent of that behavior and to change, to become more Christ-like in that matter? Or did you deny your guilt and defend your actions? Or did you turn it around and accuse them of causing you to behave that way? Do you need to apologize and ask for forgiveness? Want to Know More? Above, we discussed Adam and Eve’s denial and blame-shifting when confronted with their sin ( Genesis 3:9-13 ). It turns out that the Bible records many instances in which people confronted with their guilt refuse to be corrected—thereby proving that we all are, in fact, Adam’s progeny. A survey of these instances is helpful on many levels: as a window into your own heart, a sadly humorous listing of the creative ways guilty humans hide their sin (and lose their dignity), a somber warning about the result of denial, and a reminder that even if we are successful in hiding our sin from humans, God sees all. Here are a few such passages:

• Sarah, Genesis 18:9-15 • Rachel, Genesis 31:17-35 • Saul, 1 Samuel 15:10-31

• Gehazi, 2 Kings 5:15-27 • A general statement, Proverbs 19:3

• Anaias and Saphira, Acts 5:1-11

But at last, consider King David, who initially balked at correction but then properly repented. His sin still cost him a great deal but, as promised in John 1:9 , God forgave him his sin and cleansed him from unrighteousness: read 2 Samuel 11-12 , and Psalm 51 . For More From Paul Tripp, Read: Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make, Chapters 7 and 8

Session 4

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

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Session 5 Where Your Treasure Is…

FOR GROUP PARTICIPATION These elements of the study are best used with others in a group setting.

How Did It Go Last Week? Share your successes and trials with the group. (10 minutes) Briefly and generally, without disclosing private details to the group, summarize your experience last week when you and your partner apologized to each other. And God Said… Read aloud Matthew 6:19-21,24,31-33 (Tripp will read the entire passage in the video). What is the Point? Read these statements aloud and keep them in mind during the video. (5 minutes) • Marriage, this side of Heaven, is always a war between the Kingdom of God and the kingdom of self. • Your treasure controls your heart, and your heart controls your words and your behavior. • Your treasure will either victimize your marriage or enhance it. Petition Pray this together aloud. F airest Lord Jesus, far more to be desired than all this world has to offer, please forgive our damaged vision, which would see other pursuits and possessions as more valuable, and mend our eyes so that we see clearly your beauty, and our hearts so that we seek first your Kingdom. Amen. Hear the Word 1. “Marriage, this side of eternity, is always a war between the Kingdom of God and the kingdom of self.” Where is the battlefield for this war? So, is it fair to say that there are actually two such wars being waged in every marriage? While it is often easy to see how your spouse is faring in his or her war, is it so easy to see who is winning your war? Do you sometimes fail to recognize that you are actually fighting a war? Might this suggest that you aren’t fighting a war—that the enemy has already claimed the field? 2. Read aloud just Matthew 6:19 . What are some “treasures on earth” that are particularly tempting to you? Bear in mind that Jesus’s prohibition regards treasure of all types, not only financial. How have you been trying to amass such treasures, and at what expense to your marriage and family? What is the maximum length of time that earthly treasures can last? (Hint: you can’t take it with Watch the video. (29 minutes) Let's Talk About That Discuss these questions. (30 minutes)

Session 5

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

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you…) And given “moths, rust and thieves”—aka subprime mortgage crises, unanticipated illness and fickle relationships—is there any guarantee that such treasure can last even a lifetime? 3. Now read aloud v20 . How in the world are we to lay up treasures in heaven? (Hint: read aloud 1 Timothy 6:17-19 , which applies not just to the rich but to every Christian.) What is the maximum length of time that heavenly treasures can last? 4. Now read aloud the next verse in the Matthew passage, v21 , which is the crux of Jesus’s teaching here. In Tripp’s words, “Everyone lives for some kind of treasure.” Briefly describe the relationship between hearts and treasures. Tripp continues: “The thing that is your treasure will control your heart.” Is this relationship necessarily bad? What, then, is the potential problem in the linkage? And where does this problem lie? And how can this problem be not merely remedied but transformed into a good thing? (Hint: read aloud vv31-33 ). 5. Even when our heart has been fixed on the proper treasure, we must resolvedly hold the course because “this side of eternity, it’s very hard to keep what God says is important, important in your heart.” Read aloud these words of a young David at Psalm 27:4 —was David’s heart at this time centered on the proper treasure? Now read aloud the sad account of an older David at 2 Samuel 11:2-5,14-15,26-27 . How could this happen? If one whom God affirms as having “a heart after my own heart” ( 1 Samuel 13:14 ) could fall so devastatingly, could you fall as well? 6. Tripp explains that “things rise in levels of importance way beyond their true importance, and they begin to claim your heart.” What thing had clearly claimed David’s heart in the previous passage? What things in your own life are pulling improperly on your heart? Have these things risen rapidly and obviously, or have they crept imperceptibly? And are these things in themselves necessarily bad? What are some examples in your own life of good things becoming bad when they become ruling desires? 7. In any case, “Your treasure will either victimize your marriage or enhance it.” This is because, as Tripp says, “Your treasure controls your heart, and your heart controls your words and your behavior.” Describe some enhancing little moments when Jesus was clearly your treasure and you spoke graciously and acted kindly to your spouse—what thoughts were in your heart in those moments? Now talk about some victimizing little moments when selfish treasure prompted you to behave badly to your spouse—what thoughts ruled your heart at those times? For the sake of your marriage and your spouse whom you love, what must be your goal for all times?

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FOR PERSONAL APPLICATION These aspects of the study can be used in between group sessions on your own, either with your spouse or individually as part of your devotional and confession life.

Do Something During the week ahead, turn your learning into doing.

Make a written inventory of the amount of time and money you spend in the coming week on your hobbies, interests and avocations (it doesn’t need to be exact, but it does need to be honest). Also make a record of the amount of time and money you spend intensively on “the things of the Lord”—this would include church attendance of all stripes, personal devotions and family devotions, Bibles, study helps and literature (and Paul Tripp video series!). Finally, make an inventory of the “discretionary” time and resources you spend with your spouse—walking, talking about things not pressing in your household, dates, watching media, and…well, you know. Now compare the results of the three inventories. There is no right or wrong ratio, and each of our lives is different. But this might help you identify some treasure disproportion in your heart (as well as in your life). At the very least, consider what the numbers tell you about yourself and your priorities and the vitality of your relationship with your partner. Write down your observations and come next week prepared to discuss them. Search Me, O God For introspection during the coming week. What, honestly, are the treasures in my heart? What desires and aspirations do my thoughts drift toward when I am not otherwise focused? Right now, what am I looking forward to? What do I wish I had? Is Jesus my great desire—knowing him better, knowing more about him, becoming more like him? What habits or daily routine can I develop to assist me in fixing my heart on him? Want to Know More? God has given us a wonderful canon of classic hymnody in his great provision for the Church. Included in that treasure chest are so many sweetly profound songs of praise to Jesus, extolling all facets of his glory and goodness and grace. These hymns were written through the centuries by our brothers and sisters, many who know our Savior more dearly than we. Therefore their songs are a strong help in learning how properly to see and savor Jesus, and in placing and keeping him on the throne of our hearts. Here are just a few of my own favorites. Read the lyrics in a hymnal or listen to them online. Memorize them so that you can reflect on them, and sing them in your heart throughout the day and as you lay down to sleep at night—sweet dreams indeed. Jesus, the Very Thought of Thee Fairest Lord Jesus My Jesus, I Love Thee Alas, and Did My Savior Bleed O the Deep, Deep Love of Jesus O Sacred Head Now Wounded Crown Him with Many Crowns There are many more!

For More From Paul Tripp, Read: Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make, Chapters 9 and 10

Session 5

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Session 6 A Better Kingdom for Your Marriage

FOR GROUP PARTICIPATION These elements of the study are best used with others in a group setting.

How Did It Go Last Week? Share your successes and trials with the group. (10 minutes) Tell each other what you discovered about the relative priorities of your “treasures” based on the result of your inventories last week. And God Said… Read aloud Matthew 6:19-21,24,31-33 (the same passage as last week). What is the Point? Read these statements aloud and keep them in mind during the video. (5 minutes) • Earth-bound treasures cannot satisfy your heart. • Anxiety-bound needs are not needs at all. • It is your Father’s good pleasure to give you a better Kingdom. Petition Pray this together aloud. O ur Great Father, whose throne is established in the heavens and whose Kingdom rules over all, forgive us for pursuing temporary treasures that cannot fulfill, and imaginary needs that cannot provide, and correct our hearts to desire your Kingdom, the best kingdom of all, which it is your pleasure to give us in your Son, our Savior, Christ Jesus. Amen. Hear the Word 1. Let’s be honest—we are all prone to give our hearts to things of this world, and to seek earthly treasure in some shape or form. What are some things that you just can’t get enough of? Or is immaterial the stuff of your treasure—being skilled or famed, or most “in the know”? Or is your treasure in pastimes such as exercise, shopping, scrolling social media or playing video games? Talk for a bit about the preoccupations and pursuits that you know are more important to you than they should be. What practically can you do to fix the problem? 2. Granted that there is pleasure in earth-bound treasure, but would you ever describe that pleasure as eternally fulfilling? Are such treasures worth living for? Dying for? Why do you think it is that we do not devote more effort and resources to our relationships with God and our family—which are worth living and dying for—but settle instead for momentary self-gratifying fun? Discuss this matter. Watch the video. (23 minutes) Let's Talk About That Discuss these questions. (30 minutes)

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3. “While you’re pursuing things that will never satisfy your heart, the significant important things of life are left neglected.” Consider the opportunity cost of earth-bound treasure—for example, time that you could have invested in your relationship with the Lord or your spouse is forever forfeited by the time spent at the gym or on social media. This is not to say that enjoying earthly pleasure in moderation is wrong, but when pleasure becomes treasure it is wrong. Talk about the potential opportunity cost of your own pursuits. 4. And what did Tripp identify as “the number one reason that marriages fail” ? Instead of devoting intentional time to your marriage, do you try to shoehorn important discussion into “inappropriate moments”? Describe some recent examples of such attempts in your own marriage. What are some specific , practical steps you can take to correct the misappropriation of your heart? 5. “Anxiety-bound needs” also capture our hearts and demand inordinate attention. “The vast majority of what we say we need we don’t actually need if ‘need’ means essential for life .” Think honestly for a moment: what are some things you have considered needs that in reality are not at all essential? Discuss this matter. Tripp says that “you don’t actually need a husband who loves you or a wife who respects you.” How is this true? 6. What—or more correctly, Whom —is, in reality, all that we will ever need ? Read aloud again Matthew 6:33 , and also Psalm 23:1 , Ephesians 1:3 , Philippians 4:19 and 1 Timothy 6:17 . Do these verses teach that God supplies some of what we truly need? And what is the range of types of need that God through Christ supplies? 7. One more time, read Matthew 6:33 —what prescription does Jesus give by which we may obtain all of God’s great provision? Now read Luke’s parallel account, Luke 12:29-32 , emphasizing the final verse. Does our Father give us his Kingdom blessing grudgingly? What does the fact that he sent Jesus, his only begotten Son, to win for us son- and daughterhood, tell us about the Father’s willingness to give us the inheritance of his Kingdom? 8. Therefore, for the glory of God through his blessing of our marriages, it is necessary that we forsake our own “nasty little kingdoms with all their entitlements and demandingness” and seek first his Kingdom and righteousness. So then, what does it mean to seek God’s Kingdom first in your marriage ? Tripp will take up this question in the next session. But for now, use the remainder of the time to sketch some specific , practical action by which to center your marriage on God’s Kingdom through Christ. Each of you should write these suggestions down for future reference, see below.

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FOR PERSONAL APPLICATION These aspects of the study can be used in between group sessions on your own, either with your spouse or individually as part of your devotional and confession life.

Do Something During the week ahead, turn your learning into doing.

The final discussion question directed the group to sketch some specific, practical action by which to center your marriage on God’s Kingdom through Christ, and to write down the suggestions. Now, as a couple , select a few key suggestions particularly pertinent to your own marriage, and put them into practice this week. Be reasonable in your commitment so that can achieve your goal without burning yourselves out. Enjoy beginning to reap God’s Kingdom blessings as you seek him first, and come next week prepared to praise him for your early successes. Search Me, O God For introspection during the coming week. What earth-bound treasures am I too-diligently collecting? What is the cost of these pursuits to my spouse and me in our marriage? What practical steps can I take to diminish my service to them, and what heart steps must I take to place God’s Kingdom and righteousness first? What anxiety-based needs am I insistent upon, and feel entitled to? Can I see them for what they are—merely desires and not essential needs at all? Even if these needs are good things in themselves, what practical and heart steps can I take to lower their priority in my life? Want to Know More? The gospels of Mark, Matthew and Luke are called the synoptics (“same view”) because they include much of the same material. Each is written from a different perspective, however, with different purposes and emphases, and therefore the order and content of the chronicles vary to a degree. Both Matthew and Luke (but not Mark) include the “kingdom and treasure” material Tripp has been discussing in the last two sessions, and he has focused almost solely on Matthew’s account. For a deeper understanding of Jesus’s important teaching, read both full accounts: Matthew 6:1-34 and Luke 12:1-34 . You will see that the correlative “do not be anxious” sections— Matthew 6:25:33 and Luke 12:22-31 —are very similar in all respects. But let the differences in the rest of the material provide for you a more full-orbed understanding of the Savior’s instruction. For More From Paul Tripp, Read: Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make, Chapters 11 and 12

Session 6

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Session 7 A Crucial Little Thing Called Love

FOR GROUP PARTICIPATION These elements of the study are best used with others in a group setting.

How Did It Go Last Week? Share your successes and trials with the group. (10 minutes) Tell each other some of the blessings (and challenges) of putting and keeping the focus of your marriage on the Kingdom of God. And God Said… Read aloud Galatians 5:13-15 . What is the Point? Read these statements aloud and keep them in mind during the video. (5 minutes) • A good marriage is a good marriage because people in that marriage say No! to themselves. • You don’t first fix marriages horizontally —you fix them first vertically . • Love is willing self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not demand reciprocation or that the person being loved is deserving. Petition Pray this together aloud. D ear Lord Jesus, Love incarnate, rich in love for us, we confess that we have loved you poorly, by harboring greater loves in our heart, and consequently we have loved our marriage partner even less. Give us to forsake our selfish loves, and to love you supremely as our Savior and our Lord, which will enable us to love and cherish our partner for their highest good, by your grace and for your glory. Amen. Hear the Word

Watch the video. (23 minutes) Let's Talk About That Discuss these questions. (30 minutes)

1. Tripp elaborates the war in our hearts between the kingdom of self and the Kingdom of God. Read aloud Galatians 5:13-15 in the ESV or NIV (Tripp used the NIV in this series). Think for a moment about the nature of true freedom. God is the only truly free being—is he able to sin? (Hint: read aloud 2 Corinthians 5:21 , James 1:13 , 1 John 1:5 , among many others.) So, is freedom in Christ the liberty to do whatever we want to do? What is a more accurate description of the freedom Christ has won for us?

Session 7

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2. The apostle first admonishes us to deny the kingdom of self: “Do not use your freedom as an opportunity for [NIV to indulge ] the flesh…” What, in practical terms, does it mean to indulge the flesh? Are fleshly temptations in marriage always “big sins” such as lust, or do they include pettiness, bickering and tit-for-tat? Give some real-life temptations that you have indulged in your own experience. 3. “A good marriage is a good marriage because people in that marriage say No! ” Discuss what Tripp means in saying this. Bring into your discussion the fact of our freedom in Christ—are we powerless before selfish temptation, or are we able to resist it? Read aloud Paul’s doxology at Ephesians 3:20-21 . How much sanctifying work can God achieve in our hearts by his Spirit? Is sin’s temptation more powerful than the Holy Spirit? 4. Since we have been set free from sin by Christ, and since God’s omnipotent Spirit is wondrously working within us—what is the only reason that we sin? What is the only reason you are petty and unkind to your loved one? What specific , practical means can you use to remind yourself of this fact in future “little moments” when you would be unkind or petty to your loved one? 5. Rather than living in the kingdom of self, the apostle charges us to live according to the Kingdom of God: “…but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’” Read aloud Romans 6:20-23 . As Christians, we are freed from the law in that it is no longer our judge in determining our righteousness, but are we freed from obedience to the law as God’s standard for holy living? 6. Read aloud Matthew 22:34-40 (Jesus here quotes Deuteronomy 6:5 and Leviticus 19:18 ). In our Galatians passage, Paul says that “the whole law is fulfilled in one word: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’” But what about the “love God with all your heart” part? What is Tripp’s explanation for why Paul cites only “love your neighbor”? Is it possible to love our spouse as you should, without first loving God as you should? Explain then what Tripp means by “You don’t first fix marriages horizontally; you fix them first vertically.” 7. Read aloud 1 John 4:7-11 . Then read aloud this definition of love: Love is willing self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not demand reciprocation or that the person being loved is deserving . How is this a “cruciform” ( cross-shaped ) definition? (Hint: Jesus!) Consider particularly the last component: [ Love ] does not demand reciprocation or that the person being loved is deserving . Read aloud Romans 5:6-10 . Is it acceptable to insist that your spouse meet you halfway, and that you both start working on your marriage at the same time and with the same effort? Or should you be like Christ, who went the whole way and loved us while we hated him? And on a different heading, is it possible that your spouse’s unwillingness to reciprocate is the result of how you have treated them in the past? 8. Later in 1 John (4:19) , the apostle says “We love because he [Jesus] first loved us.” Tripp says that “true love is best born in the soil of gratitude .” How will remembering always how much God in Christ loves us and has forgiven us assist us in humbly and willingly loving our partner? On the other hand, what is the result of forgetting Christ’s so-great love for us?

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